Post by Travis on Jul 16, 2005 4:46:10 GMT -5
Well, now i'm up to 5 months with this disease. I'm in a different stage now. And I have went through about 3. It first started off with the norm that every morgellons sufferer has had, I got attacked by white and black specks after I opened a box of dried poppy pods that were grown in florida. I had itches, black and white specks coming out of me, and crazy ass movement up and down my body. I got 1 hour of sleep a night, and thank god with that amount of sleep I couldn't think at all, espescially about suicide.
I thought I was crazy, everyone thought I was crazy, until I found it was real. Then I find out that I have a speciaist that treats the disease in my area(Ginger Savely)and within a week of getting it, I got put on sulfur based antibiotics. Immediately all the symptoms diseappered within 1-2 days and they stayed gone for a glorious 2 and a half months. Nothing was wrong at all, and I could live without complete fear and complete agony eating up every second of my day. Then I noticed maybe 10-20 minutes before I took my antibiotics, I would itch a little. I thought positively, and dismissed it. Then within two weeks of this tiny itching, I one day got a huge attack.
So they layed dormant all that time, so basically I nulled phase 1. After the attack and my subsequent journey to the ER since I couldn't handle this attack because of the intensity(it was 100X times worse than any Morgellons attack i've had), I was taken off of my antibiotics in the mental hospital(yes, the ER doctor was so kind)and after about 2 days the huge attacks stopped. I was taken out of the nutty house when my psychiatrist was off his weekend break.
During the mental hospital visit, I noticed that all around me, fibers would develop and weird insects would appear in strange places. One time I saw a fly, in complete clarity, fly towards something and disappear. After talking with Ginger Savely these little black flies, and these even tinier almost invisible white flies are "normal" for Morgellons patients. When I got out, I had itchies and a little movement activity, but minor. The major factor was these flies and other insects appearing around the house when we NEVER get insects inside the house. And these don't look like any normal insect, I can spot a Morgellons insect a mile away now. Anyway, they weren't attracted to light, food, sugar, water and never flew around a lot. I remember one of the black ones didn't move for about 12 hours straight, maybe even longer if I would've watched longer. They are hard to kill with a fly swatter(I had to use every ounce of my strength and bash this thing with a swatter to kill it, if I hit it like a normal fly it would just bounce back), and take a long time to die with raid.
With the onset of these insects, I became insectphobic which I know am to this day, which is absofuckinglutely worderful. I also noticed where they probably come from. Before this "2nd" stage, I didn't see these at all, so i'm guessing they weren't there. But there would be a black filament attached to a fiber, in a corner of a room(usually where I slept and stayed), sometimes in multiple corners. If I sprayed it with raid, it would fizzle up into a bunch of crap along the wall(it looks like magic since it's such a tiny string)and then there would be hundreds of black dots on the ground, coming from the spot I sprayed. They, I think were dead. Sometimes, like in my room, after I sprayed some of these areas down with raid, there would be black streaks along the wall, like someone had rubbed a black television set across it. I'm guessing it's from the pseudo-flies/nest dying, and trying to move somewhere. No lesions, besides some small red spots where they bite the frick out of me(the ones I don't scratch too). I also noticed crap in my food while I was in the middle of eating, which looked, and probably was Morgellon things. This still happens until this day, so I have to eat quickly. Also I had a little shedding of fiber hair, nothing serious except that if I touched these fiber hairs they would enter my skin and leave a indent in my hand(I only touch them with my hand of course)of the exact shape and size of the hair which goes away in about 10 minutes. I freaked a nurse out in the ER by showing her this, hee hee. Should teach those bastards not to throw people like me in a mental institute simply because they think we live in a sci-f/horror reality of our own making. Jeezus, one of the most awful symptoms of this stage was the food. Can you imagine seeing a fiber hair sprout out of your chicken that you're eating? Wtf do you do? Throw it away, not eat, and get worse because of lowered immune system function? Well I didn't eat for 4 days because of this and stayed up for 3. Anyway, I call this stage 2.
Now i'm at stage 3. I got put on different antibiotics. I don't see the flies around at all, unless I have an attack which are minor and more spread out(before I had them every other day when I transcended stages 1-2). I also don't see the black speck nests on the walls unless I have attacks. I notice I shed a lot. One time I was in the car, and after I got off my seat I saw a huge ball of MORGELLON fiber hair, and I freaked and ran to get my vacuum cleaner. I don't know, or think this is good but I think it's good they're not going back into my(at least that I can tell)like in stage 2. I have some food problems still, but not as major at least. I just hope they don't become resistant to this antibiotic, or hopefully they're not feeding off of it(I have a theory that after 3 months of the sulfa Abx, they got so used to it that they developed the ability to feed off of it since it enhanced my attacks). I call my current stage, stage 3.
I have developed agoraphobia now and everytime I go outside my house, i'll get panicky which leads to attacks. I've been on Klonopin, 3mg a day, for about 2 years for social phobia and even that doesn't help this panick. I live in a constant state of traumatic stress disorder, and have been for 2-3 f'ing months. I wish I could reach the post-traumatic stress phase, but oh god no, that's way beyond me since it would mean CURING this disease.
I threaten suicide everytime I have an attack, and now even when I don't have an attack. I will probably end up going through with it. I live in complete and abandoned fear every second of the day which has made my life hell. Unless of course I get an attack, in which i'm in complete torment and just want to do anything, blow my head off, start using Heroin IV again(I've been clean for 6 months), or just get a million barbitutates and down it with a fifth of Jack Daniels. I've lost any sort of ability to have "fun" or enjoy anything, or have any sort of comfort. I get up, I don't have a job since I can't have one, so I lay down all day consumed by fear, fatigue, depression, and anguish, and I watch tv all day, hoping that I won't have an attack and that maybe someday i'll get off the couch and do something(it took all my willpower to get on this computer and type this). I have a double dose of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome(I've had lyme disease all my life, cogenital) amd even though I take f'ing amphetamines(prescripton adderall)it can't even shake the fatigue unless I go way over the dosage which sometimes can provoke attacks. I think mainly about suicide all day, and the only thing that stops me from commiting the act is my family, and friends.
I wish they would understand how bad it is. I told my mom, and I fully would do this, that I would trade this disease for cancer, even fuking terminal cancer. I would gladly do it. I just want to die, peacefully and without breaking everyones heart. I cry at least 3 or so hours a day. I'll cry if there is a sad song playing or a morose movie. Ain't got no patience to search for peace of mind, as the lead singer of Alice in Chains sang... he practically committed suicide.
I have no answer, I have no mind, I have no soul. I'm the walking dead. A cadaver with a pulse. I drain the living, because i'm unable to partake in the land of the living. Am I trapped in limbo, or am I already in hell? Or am I still stuck in life with a f'ing incurable disease that must of been designed by Satan himself because of the shear abusurdity of how fuked up this cancereous parasite infection is? Well, goodbye for now. I just hope I don't run across a drug dealer and happen to buy too many bags... and use them all. I need a cure, or i'm out of this game of life... sorry to all that care about me, but I can't live like this. This isn't living, it's dying.
I'm such a drama queen, and i'm sorry that this may be construed as a cry for help(well it is... hmm). I'll leave you with a song.
"Asleep by The Smiths" ------
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and dying
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
’cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well .....
Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...
I thought I was crazy, everyone thought I was crazy, until I found it was real. Then I find out that I have a speciaist that treats the disease in my area(Ginger Savely)and within a week of getting it, I got put on sulfur based antibiotics. Immediately all the symptoms diseappered within 1-2 days and they stayed gone for a glorious 2 and a half months. Nothing was wrong at all, and I could live without complete fear and complete agony eating up every second of my day. Then I noticed maybe 10-20 minutes before I took my antibiotics, I would itch a little. I thought positively, and dismissed it. Then within two weeks of this tiny itching, I one day got a huge attack.
So they layed dormant all that time, so basically I nulled phase 1. After the attack and my subsequent journey to the ER since I couldn't handle this attack because of the intensity(it was 100X times worse than any Morgellons attack i've had), I was taken off of my antibiotics in the mental hospital(yes, the ER doctor was so kind)and after about 2 days the huge attacks stopped. I was taken out of the nutty house when my psychiatrist was off his weekend break.
During the mental hospital visit, I noticed that all around me, fibers would develop and weird insects would appear in strange places. One time I saw a fly, in complete clarity, fly towards something and disappear. After talking with Ginger Savely these little black flies, and these even tinier almost invisible white flies are "normal" for Morgellons patients. When I got out, I had itchies and a little movement activity, but minor. The major factor was these flies and other insects appearing around the house when we NEVER get insects inside the house. And these don't look like any normal insect, I can spot a Morgellons insect a mile away now. Anyway, they weren't attracted to light, food, sugar, water and never flew around a lot. I remember one of the black ones didn't move for about 12 hours straight, maybe even longer if I would've watched longer. They are hard to kill with a fly swatter(I had to use every ounce of my strength and bash this thing with a swatter to kill it, if I hit it like a normal fly it would just bounce back), and take a long time to die with raid.
With the onset of these insects, I became insectphobic which I know am to this day, which is absofuckinglutely worderful. I also noticed where they probably come from. Before this "2nd" stage, I didn't see these at all, so i'm guessing they weren't there. But there would be a black filament attached to a fiber, in a corner of a room(usually where I slept and stayed), sometimes in multiple corners. If I sprayed it with raid, it would fizzle up into a bunch of crap along the wall(it looks like magic since it's such a tiny string)and then there would be hundreds of black dots on the ground, coming from the spot I sprayed. They, I think were dead. Sometimes, like in my room, after I sprayed some of these areas down with raid, there would be black streaks along the wall, like someone had rubbed a black television set across it. I'm guessing it's from the pseudo-flies/nest dying, and trying to move somewhere. No lesions, besides some small red spots where they bite the frick out of me(the ones I don't scratch too). I also noticed crap in my food while I was in the middle of eating, which looked, and probably was Morgellon things. This still happens until this day, so I have to eat quickly. Also I had a little shedding of fiber hair, nothing serious except that if I touched these fiber hairs they would enter my skin and leave a indent in my hand(I only touch them with my hand of course)of the exact shape and size of the hair which goes away in about 10 minutes. I freaked a nurse out in the ER by showing her this, hee hee. Should teach those bastards not to throw people like me in a mental institute simply because they think we live in a sci-f/horror reality of our own making. Jeezus, one of the most awful symptoms of this stage was the food. Can you imagine seeing a fiber hair sprout out of your chicken that you're eating? Wtf do you do? Throw it away, not eat, and get worse because of lowered immune system function? Well I didn't eat for 4 days because of this and stayed up for 3. Anyway, I call this stage 2.
Now i'm at stage 3. I got put on different antibiotics. I don't see the flies around at all, unless I have an attack which are minor and more spread out(before I had them every other day when I transcended stages 1-2). I also don't see the black speck nests on the walls unless I have attacks. I notice I shed a lot. One time I was in the car, and after I got off my seat I saw a huge ball of MORGELLON fiber hair, and I freaked and ran to get my vacuum cleaner. I don't know, or think this is good but I think it's good they're not going back into my(at least that I can tell)like in stage 2. I have some food problems still, but not as major at least. I just hope they don't become resistant to this antibiotic, or hopefully they're not feeding off of it(I have a theory that after 3 months of the sulfa Abx, they got so used to it that they developed the ability to feed off of it since it enhanced my attacks). I call my current stage, stage 3.
I have developed agoraphobia now and everytime I go outside my house, i'll get panicky which leads to attacks. I've been on Klonopin, 3mg a day, for about 2 years for social phobia and even that doesn't help this panick. I live in a constant state of traumatic stress disorder, and have been for 2-3 f'ing months. I wish I could reach the post-traumatic stress phase, but oh god no, that's way beyond me since it would mean CURING this disease.
I threaten suicide everytime I have an attack, and now even when I don't have an attack. I will probably end up going through with it. I live in complete and abandoned fear every second of the day which has made my life hell. Unless of course I get an attack, in which i'm in complete torment and just want to do anything, blow my head off, start using Heroin IV again(I've been clean for 6 months), or just get a million barbitutates and down it with a fifth of Jack Daniels. I've lost any sort of ability to have "fun" or enjoy anything, or have any sort of comfort. I get up, I don't have a job since I can't have one, so I lay down all day consumed by fear, fatigue, depression, and anguish, and I watch tv all day, hoping that I won't have an attack and that maybe someday i'll get off the couch and do something(it took all my willpower to get on this computer and type this). I have a double dose of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome(I've had lyme disease all my life, cogenital) amd even though I take f'ing amphetamines(prescripton adderall)it can't even shake the fatigue unless I go way over the dosage which sometimes can provoke attacks. I think mainly about suicide all day, and the only thing that stops me from commiting the act is my family, and friends.
I wish they would understand how bad it is. I told my mom, and I fully would do this, that I would trade this disease for cancer, even fuking terminal cancer. I would gladly do it. I just want to die, peacefully and without breaking everyones heart. I cry at least 3 or so hours a day. I'll cry if there is a sad song playing or a morose movie. Ain't got no patience to search for peace of mind, as the lead singer of Alice in Chains sang... he practically committed suicide.
I have no answer, I have no mind, I have no soul. I'm the walking dead. A cadaver with a pulse. I drain the living, because i'm unable to partake in the land of the living. Am I trapped in limbo, or am I already in hell? Or am I still stuck in life with a f'ing incurable disease that must of been designed by Satan himself because of the shear abusurdity of how fuked up this cancereous parasite infection is? Well, goodbye for now. I just hope I don't run across a drug dealer and happen to buy too many bags... and use them all. I need a cure, or i'm out of this game of life... sorry to all that care about me, but I can't live like this. This isn't living, it's dying.
I'm such a drama queen, and i'm sorry that this may be construed as a cry for help(well it is... hmm). I'll leave you with a song.
"Asleep by The Smiths" ------
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and dying
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
’cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well .....
Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...