Post by bannanny on Jun 25, 2009 17:46:49 GMT -5
I can't see my avatar anymore... can you? I don't know what to do about that either??
Other than that tho, I thought we could all use a good laugh. This one definitely takes the cake too...
If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account
as relayed to Paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL...
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the
event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this
out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 --
Black bean Chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look
HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
Chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and
four people behind me needed Paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I crapped
on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. Take
note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing.
It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Other than that tho, I thought we could all use a good laugh. This one definitely takes the cake too...
If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account
as relayed to Paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL...
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the
event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this
out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 --
Black bean Chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look
HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
Chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and
four people behind me needed Paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I crapped
on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. Take
note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing.
It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D