Yes, the "psycho" part...I tend to wash over that these days. They are showing their ignorance, haven't got a clue.
I'm here to have a dig at myself for something I said early hours this morning. Please understand, I am not here to have a go at anyone else, this is about me & how I perceived things & so on.
In my own defense, I really shouldn't have been posting on LB in the late hours of the morning. I woke & couldn't get back to sleep, a hot chocolate & a little read on the internet won't hurt, is what I thought. Well low & behold, sad news about Cotton, I said to myself it had to be that I couldn't get back to sleep. Then I read the replies to my post about the oral ulcers.
I am annoyed with myself for what I said. I feel like an ignorant fool, though that is not entirely my fault. When one has tried for years & years to prove the reality of a physical ailment, any reference to "all in the head" gets my back up. I also proved (to myself) how we as humans can follow like sheep, without even knowing it.
I did go back to bed & managed to get another couple of hours, even though I'd eaten chicken potato chips & couldn't stop! my tummy was gurgling in bed, some how I switched off & went into dream land. My son Willy, woke me just before 8am...ugh...no I don't want to get up, could have done with another hour or so. I was having a dream that was ever so important, though not pleasant.
It has taken me the entire day to remember my dream. I had to switch off thinking about the dream to allow it to pop back into my mind which it did around tea time tonight. I was dreaming about a psychiatrist I use to see. He was a nice man & I feel it important to say that. It was my choice to see this psychiatrist as I believed there was something wrong with me. Long story short I sort this psychiatrist myself by phoning the USA in 2002/03 - after another psychiatrist said to me in passing "I think you might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder - I recently attended a seminar about it".
I was never shy to take whatever diagnosis was given to me by a general practitioner or head shrink. I believed back then that a shrink was probably my best bet & had pushed physical ailments (which were neither here nor there) to the back of my mind. I have always been inquisitive, so I was merely being myself (I think).
My Tony, at the time, was also very concerned. I had moved in with him after his marriage broke down, I needed a place to live. We'd been long time friends, over 20 yrs, though didn't speak for 4yrs due to a fall out after I was diagnosed with Depression.
Tony did a little research back then on the net & found a book about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) - called "The Broken Mirror". I couldn't read it, though did flick through chapters here & there. I have never been a reader, no idea why. The book just didn't relate to me, though I still kept an open mind. The book spoke of people in search of cosmetic surgery & hell bent on changing their own looks by doing home surgery on their nose with a pair of tweezers - no, that was not me.
My issues were my skin at that particular time. Troubled by out breaks in my late 20's when my complexion had always been like porcelain. My concerns were spots that would appear, but then would never really go away, I could feel something beneath. I said to myself this is not right. I also wanted to pick at them & that too wasn't right! why?
I've digressed a little, forgive me, back to my dream this morning. I was dreaming about my psychiatrist (the nice one). In my dream by coincidence I fell upon my old psychiatrist & he was teaching in a class room. I could feel my urgency to find him come what may. He had disappeared from the class room & I recall people every where & me being so desperate to find him. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. He was wrong that he told me in 2008 by email that to his mind I would be best to leave Morgellons alone & look forward to my future. I wanted so bad to tell him I had no choice but to not leave Morgellons alone, because it wouldn't leave me alone. My dream started to fizzle out when I couldn't find my old shrink & no sooner I was woken.
Back to the BDD. I went to see this nice shrink who was apparently a specialist in body image disorder. At the time, he was working for the Mental Health Research Institute of Victoria, which is now no longer. I didn't have to pay to see him, nor did I have to pay for medication. I was so hell bent on understanding this BDD & I remember asking if I could meet others with this condition. I wanted to know about other people with this weird condition (that I really didn't fit the criteria for, but suited at the time).
I never did get to meet another BDD sufferer. Though I did continue to see my shrink. I was on an antidepressant which was ceased & started Lexapro. After a little while he also added an antipsychotic, can't remember why, though I think he said it would help me sleep. I was on a low dose of Seroquel as the drug knocked me out cold. My antidepressant kept going up & I was on the highest dose possible, though my shrink was monitoring me.
My shrink monitored me to the point that he saw the physical changes in me. I walked into his office - first meeting - a drop dead gorgeous woman - to looking like a big fat ugly blimp, with no hair, a drop foot & slurred speech...huh? - how did that happen?
My memory is lacking greatly during the period of first seeing my shrink, it was around 2003 I think I started to see him. I was developing "whatever" whilst I was seeing him & I first saw fibers pop out of unbroken skin whilst on an antipsychotic. Of course I told my shrink, I wasn't too proud to tell the truth - I wanted help for whatever was wrong with me - mental AND physical.
Around 2005, after my physical & neurological decline was at the lowest point my shrink asked to see my dad. Dad said the shrink said to him - "I can not help your daughter any longer, what she has is physical". My dad thanked him for his honesty.
Just remembering, prior to being discharged by my shrink my parents & I met with him as they had great concerns (naturally) about what was happening to me. My parents were concerned I was developing major mental health issues when I hadn't exhibited them before. I clearly remember them asking about Schizophrenia. My shrink said to my parents "your daughter doesn't have the genetic make up to develop Schizophrenia".
In my shrinks defense, he never said I was delusional & reminded me of such when I found Morgellons on the internet. He did say though "just to think Morgellons is not a new disease".
My shrink moved on from Mental Health Research to a public hospital with a psychiatric ward. I recall (& for those that want to check I'm sure I put it all out there on Morgellons Watch) - I had my first episode of paranoia. Little did I know I was pregnant at the time & had also just finished 10 months IV antibiotic for Rickettsia. I recall phoning my shrink begging him to put me in the psych. ward as I was so scared. I said to him I was going to take an overdose of Seroquel & drive to my late Grandad's grave & die right there & then. I was too scared to take the Seroquel as I believed I was going to go to hell.
Too scared to live, too scared to die, feeling extremely suicidal, erractic & my shrink tells me to hang in there & I don't need admitting to the psych ward? huh?
Moving along to 2007 after the birth of my son. William was born premature, my waters had broken around 31 weeks. I was admitted to hospital & put on antibiotics & I think after about 7-9 days I went into labor.
I became extremely ill during my labor, my skin was breaking out in red blotches - the obstetrician asked if that was normal for my skin - of course it wasn't. My head felt like it was going to explode. The obstetrician told me my white cells were 42 & I had an unknown infection in my blood. Felt like he was giving me my last rights.
I was induced with the synthetic hormone via IV line, as well as an antibiotic & Flagyl. The birth was 2 hours 45 minutes approx. & it was the most horrifying, painful experience ever. Apparently the labor ward had to close the smoke doors because I screamed so much.
Poor Tony, never seen child birth in his life (me neither), we didn't get to have antenatal classes, we were on the waiting list. Tony begged the doctors to give me something for my pain as he'd seen the whites of my eyes too many times, he couldn't handle it any longer. An epidural was out of the question as the doctor said it would send the infection to my brain & kill me.
During the last stage of labor they finally gave me some pain relief. A Pethidin injection was administered in my upper thigh. I hate Pethidin & my leg hurt more than the labor pains.
Anyway, last stage of labor it was decided for them to "cut" an episiotomy was performed, though I never had a say in it & it was never discussed prior during my consultations.
William was born 32 weeks & had to go to special care nursery in a humidy crib to maintain his temperature, he didn't require oxygen. A spinal tap was performed on him at 2 hours old & he was also given 5 to 7 days antibiotic due to us both having sepsis.
Later visiting William in special care nursery I was very emotional, crying sat next to his crib. The obstetrician who was sort of at the birth, I think towards the end came over & spoke to me. He actually laughed at me, I couldn't believe it. He laughed & commented on how much noise I made during the birth. I couldn't answer as I was too chocked up, surging hormones & shocked that he made such a stupid comment.
William was transferred to a hospital closer to our home after 3 days. I do believe the hospital wanted to get rid of us both asap. I was diagnosed at that very same hospital with DOP at 7 months & the infectious diseases doctor told me that it is a well known condition that usually happens to people with schizophrenia, though I hadn't been given that label - yet.
The down falls of hospital staff after having a baby that had to stay in special care nursery was extremely bad. There was no support or anyone to talk too. I had carried this baby & then suddenly I gave birth & I didn't have him to hold or take home. it just didn't seem right & no one bothered to talk about it with me. It was so gut wrenching. As well as still having to deal with Morgellons, which never went away during my pregnancy.
William came home 30 days after the birth. Tony couldn't cope, not me, him. I couldn't cope with the amount of alcohol he was consuming & fearful he would fall on William. My family for some reason stayed away...why?
I will stop there, as I would like to share a few things. I am sorry that I have gone on so long in this post.
This a few paragraphs from my last psychiatric report - , which combines my admission after William was born & my admission in 2008.
Date:xxxxxx
1. APPEARS TO BE MENTALLY ILL [section 8(1)(a)]
Diagnosis
1.1 Current diagnosis of mental illness:
Delusional disorder - somatic type
1.2 Provisional/differential diagnoses (if different from above, including relevant dates):
Schizophrenia, Body Dysmorphic Disorder
11 weeks after birth of first son, referred to CATT team by xxxxx psychotic, persecutory beliefs. According to xxxxx had recently become increasingly "erratic and abusive". She described a government conspiracy involving suveillence by telephone tapping and nanotechnology. CATT assessment: labile+++ laughing, tearful and distressed. Circumstantial, fixated on specific topics (Morgellon's Disease, conspiracy theories, airborne contaminants sprayed by Bush, family's bloodline infected by blood borne disease), delusions of reference from TV, radio. Had had extensive contact with Centre for disease Control.
Later admitted xxxx Ward, involuntary. 2 week admission, discharge on CTO, depot with CATT follow-up and case management at xxxxx
Most recentlty DHS involvement Features noted at this time: persecutory delusions (Australian government trying to commit genocide and depopulate the country), hypochondriacal delusions (fibres growing from her skin, tactile hallucinations of "balls" on her skin, feeling objects move across her skin, perceiving her face was "not right" and "twisted" and having abnormal hair. Angry about diagnosis of schizophrenia, refused further treatment.
Longitudinally seems to function well between episodes in which she becomes delusional and paranoid where her functioning is impaired. There is a relationship with stressors and she does seem to recover well.
G has been focused on various medical illnesses for many years: Irritable Bowel, Fibromyalgia, tempormandibular joint dysfunction, chronic sinusitis, Ricketssia, Lyme's disease.
G has refused antipsychotic treatment. She does not believe she suffers from a psychotic illness or delusional state. Concern of previous treating psychiatrist xxxxxx xxxxx that she would be likely to disengage, stop meds and relapse if not on CTO.
G expressed at her last visit with psychiatrist Dr xxxx, willing to work with team at clinic and be treated for her symptoms. Complained of side effects to depot Flupenthixol, dose withheld for a few days and reduced. Still frustrated by past experiences with mental health service. (Had previously been changed from Risperidone Consta).
The information in the above report was not entirely given by myself to the writer &/or psychiatrists. They quizzed family etc about things that I had said. The comment about the Australian Government committing genocide was said to a psychiatrist & I remember clearly saying to him "lets say hypothetically that there is a disease effecting people &/or killing people, if the government know & are ignoring it's genocide"
I would be the biggest idiot to say Morgellons has not effected my mind. I kept telling people it was effecting my mind, I would refer to myself as the crazy woman.
I am sure many of us, I know I can remember back years ago when things suddenly changed. Research needs to focus on entire families even if only one member has Morgellons. There is a pattern, though I can not describe in words right now.
The bizarre classic symptoms came on me like a flick of a switch. Something profound happened to me, to everyone (IMO). My family didn't show outward signs, neither did my friends or acquaintances. However, there was something I still can not put my finger on, something effected them too, everyone I believe.
I still believe Morgellons is the coming plague. I think the causative agent/s of Morgellons - whatever it is might well have been missed & quite possibly on purpose.
I hope whoever has allowed the unfolding of this disease, the suffering, the torture, the deaths & endless misery - is satisfied. I hope they have learnt what they needed to learn & then some. This is what comes of lies & deception.
They may call me delusional, mental & many other belittling terms - but where has it got them?
DOP has been researched extensively not so many years ago. Did they know there was going to be a surge in cases that appeared to be DOP &/or incorporated DOP with something new? I think they've known for a long time. Telling people what they are suffering is "all in their head" gave genuine ill people DOP (IMO). I wasn't shy with my GP when I first researched the net, I gave him an article called "The mystery of Delusions of Parasitosis"...I was prepared to take that label IF it meant getting help & ending my suffering.