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Post by zabrubon on Mar 8, 2007 16:34:31 GMT -5
i hate to say this but i am losing it. i have tried to stay above water but i am sinking and funny thing is i don't care anymore. i have so many bills and expenses and i am so tired of trying to figure things out alonealonealonealone. people don't have time to listen, if i find one around where i live, i am the one who usually ends up listening to them. and pay a shrink, no way, i would rather die first. i am doing all i can to stay sane the doctor iwant to see is booked solid i think i am about to go crazy i don't know how to bring myself around to calm even my faith is not helping me here i don't think i want to live anymore i don't find any peace
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Post by ruth on Mar 8, 2007 16:45:44 GMT -5
OMG bonnie, i am so sick at heart to read your post.
it sucks, and it continues to suck, but recognize the stages of grief,
grief to losing IT ALL. INTEGRITY was a biggie to lose. i am slowly
gaining it back, with knowledge of what is happening, not only to us,
but to everything living on this once beautiful earth. it is an atrocity.
my friend has free time on her phone after 9:p pacific time. i will pm for your number.
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Post by cozmikanjel on Mar 8, 2007 16:48:14 GMT -5
WE ARE LISTENING!
I AM LISTENING!
DONT QUIT NOW...WE ARE ON THE LAST LEG OF THIS HORRENDOUS JOURNEY. I PROMISE YOU. (and i dont make promises....only pinkie swears!)but i do PROMISE you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it will be out of the bag very soon! we have a momentum going now! 2007 is the YEAR this ENDS....dont give up please Bonnie?!
Sincerely, Angela
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Post by Patti on Mar 8, 2007 16:49:13 GMT -5
Most of us have had those days, CB, and those who haven't probably will soon. It's good that you came here to express your frustration and the overwhelmed feelings you're having.....we will get you through it.
The reason you end up helping others is because you have true compassion from the soul and know how it feels to be totally desolate. It also speaks very highly of your capacity to put the suffering of others above your own and will actually end up helping you more than you know. Spending our time helping others is the best way to forget our own problems, or at least render them not so important at the moment.
I wish I had some magic bullet I could speed your way and help you not feel so alone but I don't. Just know that "this too shall pass" and we will always be here to support and love you.
Hang onto that faith, and many hugs! Patti
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Post by See Jane Crawl on Mar 8, 2007 17:07:30 GMT -5
Bonnie,
Don't lose it, it is way too hard to get it back! Have some hope, there are tons of people right here to listen & talk to. We are here for you!
I have to tell you about my daughters doctor visit today. It renewed my hope in mankind. We followed my daughters epilepsy coordinators advice & made an appointment to see a Homeopathic doctor she herself goes to, instead of the regular pain in a$$ MD's she sees a lady who is an MD but is also a Homeopathic doctor. I was getting ready this morning, thinking to myself, "I don't have the energy or even care to try to explain this sh!t to one more doctor who is going to think I am friggin nuts!" I also thought I really do not care anymore. But I have to care because my daughter needs to see someone, she just recently got the leisons and they are spreading from leg to leg. So I sucked it up and went. I am so glad I did, I was honest & up front with her, I told her we contracted this 13 years ago & I thought it was some sort of parasite. (After the "P" word came out of my mouth I looked at her expression just waiting for the smirk, (you know what smirk I am talking about!) but it wasn't there! Holy Crap Batman! She listened and talked about a few things she was going to try, Chrysanthemum(sp?) oil, which is an anti parasitic, anti viral, anti bacteria oil the Chinese have used for thousands of years & then she did some acupuncture to improve the circulation in her legs & then used a hand held laser light , she said the red light is detrimental to critters! Who knew? She gave us 4 bottles of herbs to help boost my daughters immune system & said we should come back in one week and see how the lesions are healing & we will go from there. I was impressed, she will address the parasite issue once my daughters immune system is a little stronger. We were in there for over 2 hours. I felt very relaxed and comfortable, I don't know about you but since all this started I get very anxious just thinking about seeing another doctor, the word relaxed is not associated in any way, shape or form with doctors! This doctor is from Russia, I am thinking this maybe a small key for us, maybe to go see some alternative medicine doctors from third world countries where parasites are more common? Just my opinion of course, but I felt that we made some tiny bit of headway today.
So, Bonnie if you need to talk, I am here ~ PM me if you need a friend, shoulder, etc. We have all been there and back again!
Hang in there, you do have more friends than you realize!! Take care
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Post by cozmikanjel on Mar 8, 2007 17:20:13 GMT -5
See Jane....i just wanted to comment on your point of the doctor being from Russia....my doctor is from Holland...she was very patient, talked to Dr ////// of Morgellons, took home a stack of my research for 5 days, and on second visit did the skin scrapings. She had also studied/practiced in India. I do believe that her experience in these other countries, was very key.... in her realizing the possibility!
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Post by See Jane Crawl on Mar 8, 2007 17:26:19 GMT -5
cozmikangel,
I agree with you 100%! These doctors are not so pompous thinking "this cannot happen in the US!" they have more of an open mind toward things that are not commonly seen.
Bonnie,
Maybe you can find a doctor in Chicago like the ones we have seen, if you look on the internet, sometimes they list what languages they speak in their ads for their practices. The doctor I saw had that she spoke Russian & English in the Yellow pages ad on MSN.
Give it a try!
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Post by questionhair on Mar 8, 2007 17:32:33 GMT -5
Bonnie:
These down days are worse than usual sometimes.
I've been following your posts, and others, who speak of doctor visits. Trying to find one, the excitement before the visit, relating the office visit experience, and sometimes the disappointment - sometimes the optimistic results.
I admire your effort and fight to seek a competant and helpful doctor.
My last doctor experiences were emotionally shattering and I have avoided doctors as a result, so I follow doctor-related posts with interest. Your posts have been helpful.
I believe there are more doctors coming around, and that there is hope on the horizon.
Everyday challenges and responsibilities continue on top of dealing with this happening to us. The lack of support and understanding by people around us makes things harder. We tend to isolate ourselves, making things even worse.
Please let it pass.
I know that there are many who send you supportive thoughts and wishes.
QH
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Post by toni on Mar 8, 2007 17:48:29 GMT -5
ChicagoBonnie,
I sure feel for you, and I don't want to sound negative, but I want to be truthful with you.
I and all of us understand exactly with every fiber of our being how you are feeling right now.
Patti is exactly right with everything she said to you, you are a very compassionate and caring person, and we are all here for you too.
Try in your deepest thoughts to know that even though we may be miles apart we are still present with you and all of us together. We are, we are, we are right here. I and all of us need you. Believe me when I say that, we do need you.
We need every single one of us all to stick together though this. We are EXACTLY like links in a chain fence, I depend on everyone as we all depend on each other, we must stay together. Know in your mind and heart, that we are a troup, a unit. We are!
This is just like a roller coaster, one moment you and we feel as though nothing matters anymore, and now please try now to think about how not to think those thoughts, and try and GET MAD, get mad and fight and say outloud, I WILL NOT LET THIS GET ANY MORE OF ME - CAUSE IT'S ALREADY TAKEN ENOUGH AND NO MORE- NO MORE.
Cause we're going to get through this ALL OF US. And yes, the bills, that's reality, and right now YOU and your health mean more than anything. This is all an unfair readjustment in what is most important for all of us. Concetrate on how to make you better, and what we can do, and if scaling back is what must be, then it must be. That is okay, let it be okay in your mind, because this is about you getting your strength to fight back now.
We know it's not fair, it's not right, it's sickening, it's everything we've accomplished in life slowly "SEEMING" to be lost....I know.
But right now at this time in your life, and all of ours, we cannot live as we did before ((meaning)) we honest to GOD have to change OUR way of thinking, our possessions, and bills and everything now must take a back seat, BECAUSE our and your life is most important. Please try and concentrate on the reality of that, and what I mean is please please say to yourself, that nothing is worth YOUR and our lives.
That too is a difficult transformation, I know. We are not conditioned or prepared for any of this, this is as though a siege upon us is happening, and it's not the norm in which we are use to. But YOU are alive, and we are here, and we are turning the tables around, we are becoming very known, so that means help will come sooner than later.
You and all of us are truly survivors and we will survive....we may lose things we've worked all our lives for....but so what. (And I sure don't say that lightly, but because I can relate to things beginning to pile up, and nothing is as it was, I realized, as you that we all must prioritize things like finances because they can really try the last nerve to where we "think" it's over because we "think" we can't take it, but we can, you are strong, but please know WE all know this, and if we really focus on what is top priority, which is our life, everything else then can go to hell, because we must "really" concentrate on ways to get better.
Most important is we really are with you, you are not alone, we are right here.
Love Toni
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Post by zabrubon on Mar 8, 2007 17:49:40 GMT -5
thanks, i am crying as i type and feeling sorry for myself and all of us here. if only the doctors would take this serious. i just feel like i can not go on doing this, calling doctors, emailing for information on what is working and not working, reading these posts daily, sometimes twice a day, lookin g looking looking for the answer. staying up late at night trying to find out what is in these lesions. After a long bath last night with vinegar in the water, i had a sharp pain in my arm, i had several more pains in the same place, like a stinging. i looked down and saw a red like blister forming. I ran, got my magnifying glass and watched for a while, then tweezed it and a long clear fiber thing uncoiled. then my mind says, well maybe it is from the air, from the tweezers, maybe it is this, that etc. then i had a hard time sleeping and then hard time gettting up today. i need to work more but iam so overcome with sadness and grief and feeling alone. I want to get better. My old boyfriend called me again today and asked me if i took the chinese tea he sent and the probiotics, and have i seen an acuputurterist? Of course my answer was no, that i am afraid to do anything because i no longer know what to do and my money is limited and i feel FROZEN. i am taking way too long to figure things out. Well i gotta go now cause i have a customr that wants to see some products(i sell real estate) and i found out this morning she is see another realtor and i spent so much time with her and she does this to me. I am furious, I almost feel like not even showing up. But my word is my word. So, I will talk to you all later and MY LOVE TO YOU AND THANK YOU. cHICAGO BONNIE
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Post by cozmikanjel on Mar 8, 2007 18:02:31 GMT -5
PLEASE Bonnie.....dont use Vinegar as your protocol.
I have seen exactly what Vinegar does to this organsims spores/entities. it makes them VERY ACTIVE. aside frome obvserving this stuff INCREASE their activity...... ive researched biolumination....(which IS what this organism is DOING.) biolum only occurs in >acid environment....and you DONT want that to happen!
please go OPPOSITE>>> into the ALKALINE!!!>>>BAKING SODA. Please see valeries' thread on "baking soda" please??!
I know many have mentioned using the word vinegar...and i just CRINGE at the thought!
XXOO's and much love, angela
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Post by cozmikanjel on Mar 8, 2007 18:06:56 GMT -5
and yes for the last decade and a half, I swore by apple cider vinegar as a cure all..... BUT NOT for THIS organism!
anj
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Post by mfromcanada on Mar 8, 2007 18:14:32 GMT -5
ChicagoBonnie, please hang in. I know I had a bad day the other day at the clinic and I am still feeling sorry for myself but I know sooner or later my arm will get better, if even for a while. I have lost everything Bonnie, my house, townhouse,car, career of 28 years, and all of my furniture. I have stood in line at the food bank etc. I have realized now that I am more free than I have ever been. My apt get fixed by the caretaker and my car(feet) never breaks down. I don't have to get up at any special time and if I don't get it done today it will get done tommorrow. I am down to using salt with a little water on the lesions alternating with 1 bleach to 10 water. I dab on lesions and seems to help more than most other things. Keep coming back as you won't get much better support. I hope your suffering eases.
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Post by Patti on Mar 8, 2007 18:42:58 GMT -5
Bonnie, as much as we all love you here and look forward to your posts, I think it would be good for you to take a break from the board (and all forums, articles, research, etc. related to Morgellons). We give this advice to everyone from time to time because it really can get to you after awhile. When I first got my digital microscope, I drove myself crazy and everytime I saw a speck, I was up looking at it. Pretty soon my brain was consumed with looking at everything....I was angry and more fearful of the unknown than ever before. That's when I realized I had to stop focusing on what was wrong with me and instead, I nurtured everything left that was still good. It is only natural for one to have "burn out" after so much time spent on any one thing, and Lord knows we all here have spent countless hours doing research and theorizing. At some point, you just have to leave it alone and try to concentrate on more pleasant things until your psyche balances itself out again. If you have the energy, put in more work hours....take a walk in the park, go to the zoo, visit a nursing home, volunteer somewhere....do anything that won't keep bringing you back to the sad place you are in right now. I'm betting that within a week you'll have centered yourself again and you can pick back up with a new perspective. CEOs from large corporations have to do this and we all know that our stress outweighs anything they could ever face. I hope you will give this a try and I think you'll find it helps immensely. Take care of necessities but most of all, take care of Bonnie.....we need you!
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Post by valerie on Mar 8, 2007 20:53:36 GMT -5
Yes please do not use vinegar--I used to love it but it only made things so much worse--this affliction is a nightmare to live with--I am so much better thanks to the baking soda and prayers.....but tonight-out of the clear blue-itching,.flying things swarming by me.....it must be a full moon....
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Post by zabrubon on Mar 8, 2007 21:19:19 GMT -5
i think it is a good idea to go off the board for a few days, i will start that protocol on Monday. I am babysitting my grandchildren(my one piece of happiness) for the week so I won't be around a computer then and then I can relax with the kids and get some love and some rest, i need some rest. I have worked non stop with no days off since October of last year and it is high time to do some fun things for me andrelax and takein the smell of spring, if it ever comes here to chicago. Blessings
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Post by ed on Mar 8, 2007 21:33:54 GMT -5
ah......... ..Ed
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Post by trishaspring50 on Mar 8, 2007 22:19:50 GMT -5
Ed You will be fine. I do really love you. I am getting off this group as I have been kicked off of so many now. I am so tired of being treated as delusional. If you need me, ANYTIME BUDDY, Call me. I can cry and so can you. I can laugh and we can talk. My cell is 352-428-1173, Blackberry is 352-942-3300, Office is tollfree 866-797-0510. Ask for Susan or Me, Trisha Springstead RN, Susan Hammer a fellow sufferer. We will help you. You will be fine, buddy. You have a good, fun heart, you will be fine buddy, I promise, thats what we Marine Nurses say. Love and Light, Trisha
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erika
Full Member
Posts: 186
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Post by erika on Mar 8, 2007 22:31:37 GMT -5
huh?
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Post by sammy on Mar 8, 2007 22:44:04 GMT -5
chicagobonnie, listen to Tonie & cosmic., they rock. We are all here for you. We have all felt what you feel right now.You can do this, because we need you here. Be strong, put on a smile & fight. Things will improve. We will fight this for as long as it takes. Hugs & sunshine!
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