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Post by buginarug on Jun 2, 2007 2:07:06 GMT -5
letter to the husband. If there is anyone on this board who has a husband who just does not understand, this is for you.
For some reason, I think I'm not the only one with this problem
The names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty(tehehe)
Dear Mr. Buginarug,
I know your frustrations, I live them everyday. You said some things that caused me to raise concern. You think that this is mostly in my head, and that depression plays a big part in why I am so sick, and "can't function" anymore. Honestly, you are dead on about the depression, you bet I am. Two years ago, when this, whatever this is, came tumbling down on me like a ton of bricks, I was as scared and unprepared as the ill equiped doctors whom I was seeking for help.
You say that I don't keep the house up the way I used to. I agree! I don't. Not only do I not have the motivation to clean and cook and be bombarded with the assults of a two year old, haven't you noticed that I don't paint those beautiful paintings you love so much, or write, or laugh like I used to? The "house" is not the only thing I don't do. Motivation comes from inspiration, and you have to step up to the plate and be inspiring.
Some days are better than others, but most are not. For every "symptom" that you do visably see there are about 10 more that you don't, and 20 that I haven't told you about, for fear that you will either dismiss it and then call me paranoid.
You are frustrated, yes, I can see that, and understand it and I do sympathize, but when I signed up to be your partner 12 years ago, never did "fixing" me come with the contract. Just because you can't "fix" me, does not give you liscence to turn a blind eye.
For better or worse, do unto others Mr. Buginarug.
You might think I'm angry at you for not believing me, I'm not. I'm just very dissapointed.
Mrs. Buginarug
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Post by bugsy on Jun 2, 2007 7:34:01 GMT -5
Hey Ali_bug,
Just the care of a two year old and a home and what is it three dogs is exhausting in and of itself. You have added work with the new place....MUCH WORK..! Can't imagine why you would be so exhausted. Duh. He will have to learn patience or suffer the consequences..HA!!! Ragging on you certainly isn't going to get you moving. Counterproductive. This disease aside...I think some men may have a hard time when children are in their two's and the exhaustion of the mom which follows, because we went through something similiar when mine was about that age....a particularly stressful time. Potty training etc. It will get better!! Sometimes men get cranky and gripe about EVERYTHING that is not right with US and what WE are doing because things in their OWN lives are not what they expected them to be......and they project that disappointment onto us. Ya know. Easier to focus on someone else's problems rather than your own....(mines is usually his job).
Got nothing to do with me but is displacing his cra p onto me. Does that make sense?
Cheer up....get some fresh air.....and enjoy some outdoor time....or Nap time...yeah thats the ticket.
~Bugsy
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Post by ppy18 on Jun 2, 2007 17:04:25 GMT -5
poor bug listen, if the letter doesn't work try giving him a good swift kick in the ass. thats how we would handle him down here in hooterville ;D you may have to administer this medicine on a monthly basis to keep him in line but....... overall the effort is worth it. i can't speak for mr bug but i hear some guys really get in to that corporal punishment thing. you might want to ask anthill , i think he is pretty familiar with the proceedure.
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Post by buginarug on Jun 2, 2007 22:00:14 GMT -5
HA HA HA HA HA God Kelly, I'm on my ass.
Oh yeah, and the corporal punishment thing....shoot, that would just be a reward for him. Now, if I could only be a do-it-yourself girl and install a ceiling swing with some major strappage so he can't even move, well then I might be the one having fun. Of course I'd leave him there for a week or two, you know just so he knows who's the boss.
His behavior lately has been unbelievable, sheesh.
Ali
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Post by betsy on Jun 2, 2007 22:03:45 GMT -5
Bug- It's a good letter. I thought Mr. Rug had this pathogen, too. Guess not.
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Post by grsue on Jun 2, 2007 22:29:59 GMT -5
I got into quite the heated argument with mine today. He is sick and tired of my sores and seeing me scratch-which , sometimes I am unaware of doing. Because the doctors don't know what it is, he thinks I just cause my skin to look like this.
The hairs and things we see are in the carpet, furniture, linens, on the dog,which would mean getting rid of the old and getting new, which we can't possibly afford. I've had this over three years, the dog and I are the only ones affected in the house, so there is no getting rid of old carpet, sofas- he went out today to get a carpeting estimate, just to throw it in my face and shut me up!!!I am so sad, I could cry. He doesn't care at all- or in three years he would've done something to help me besides just griping at me about my scratching my arms.
His reaction when I told him he just doesn't care? "Well, at least I don't just throw you out and make you go deal with it." This is Love? After more than 25 years, I feel like walking out the door and never turning back.
Sorry, but this isn't just "men get grumpy sometimes and a walk will fix it "...when the whole family gets on your back because you have sores and they don't, it's awful . grs
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josej
Full Member
Posts: 140
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Post by josej on Jun 3, 2007 1:04:39 GMT -5
OK ladies. I'm a husband. (Not Mr. Buginarug) I'm someone else's hubby. But, maybe I can shed some light on the fairer sex as to why we big guys don't always step up to the plate.
By the way, please be gentle on me and don't all of you pounce on me just 'cause I'm one of "them". It's kinda scary since this board is mostly run and by women posters... so, here goes nothing:
First, the basics: Men and women are vastly different. Women need to talk-talk-talk and talk some more about each and every facet of every blessed thing! Men only have the capacity of a dixie cup to absorb all of that and we are quickly overwhelmed by it. (Here's a secret that you may not be aware of: We men feel that somehow what's happened to you is our fault.) Yep, crazy, I know. But deep down inside, us guys feel like we let you down. Who knows, maybe we did... and if we'd been more alert you wouldn't be sick. That's one of our issues. But, we won't tell you that. Nope. Instead we'll get all impatient when you start talking us to death... and so we reach for the TV remote and pretend to be watching some stupid movie for the eighteenth time. I know I do that. So maybe Mr Bug doesn't want to deal with any guilt feelings. Women want to bond; men want to watch James Bond.
Men are single-minded. (I didn't say simple minded... I said single.) What that means is that we're goal oriented. We go to the store to buy a pair of shoes. We don't stop by the sock department, we don't browse through the shirts, pants.. shorts... caps... we fly right by all that stuff. Why? Because we came to buy shoes, dammit. So we're in and out in less time than it takes a dermatologist to say you're delusional.
Women.... ok do I really need to go over your shopping habits?
By the way, I digress here for a moment only to offer a word of sympathy and understanding to all you women who only wish you could go out shopping. But, you're too embarrased to go out, or you're too sick and lifeless to get out of the house. And I'm here to say I am so sorry for that. How I wish you were the "old you" who could be out and hit Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, The Gap, Old Navy, and maybe if you were in a good mood even hit specialty stores like Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn before coming home to make supper!!!! Those were the good-ol-days and you probably think they'll never come back.
Well, guess what? Mr Bug wishes the same thing too. Only he's too dim to express those things to you in a gentle and loving way. No, instead he gets indignant and acts like he's the victim. HE'S THE VICTIM? Poor guy just doesn't get it. You're the one with the disease, and he pouts around like a spoiled child. See deep down inside he wants to fix you and make you all better (someone already pointed that out) but he can't. He ain't God but he wants to be "like" God to you. And, trust me on this one: he feels just as powerless as you do. Only with men, being powerless is a sign of weakness. That doesn't sit well with men, so we do and say really stupid things.
Its been said that women are the weaker sex. Yet, I've seen my share of women who handle these extreme trials much better than we men do.
But, cheer up Mrs Bug. Us guys, we can still learn. Yep, it's not too late for us. After a while, we do come around and begin to appreciate what you're going through. And then we might even pick up the banner and be on your side. On some cases, we may even surprise you by actually doing husband-things like protecting you and shielding you from idiot doctors and uncaring family members. And the biggest miracle is that we finally wake up and appreciate what a wonderful human being you are... what a undeserved gift you are in our lives.
I only hope that for all those husbands and wives who are butting heads over this disease, that there is still a marriage left. That this partnership we entered into is still held together, even if by thin shreds. It can be rebuilt. It can actually be stronger than ever before. Mrs Bug, and all other Mrs' who may be reading this thinking "hah, not in my home, this can't happen", I ask you to give the big lug one more chance... maybe two more chances... to redeem himself and come around. Do it for yourself.
I'm here to tell you that it happened just like that with this grateful husband.
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Post by buginarug on Jun 3, 2007 2:01:45 GMT -5
grsue,
I bet there is nothing that you husband has said to you that mine hasn't. But reading the above posts especially josej's shed some perspective on things.
I'm a tough cookie, something said by everyone who knows me, great attitude, much respect for others, the whole nine....
But that tough cookie seems to crumble to pieces when it comes to my family. Especially Mr.Bug, in other words internally I come unglued. Especially when he makes very inapropriate comments that are untruthful to begin with. Like last night he said that my parents just smile and nod when I talk about this affliction, that they don't care. I don't understand this kind of behavior, because I would never say anything like that to him, shoot...or anybody for that matter. I don't know, maybe it's like josej said, it's a defense mechanism.
I can certainly understand why marriages have been torn, and relationships have dissipated over this issue. It's a tough one to deal with.
I never thought I'd be so sick so young. I planned my life out, and accomplished many goals, and had so many more that I was working on, and now to be faced with a different way of life and different goals are humbling to say the least.
Who knew at 31 one of my goals for the day was to get out of bed.
Who knew?
Betsy, no he doesn't have this, and I pray to god he doesn't get it.
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Post by godog on Jun 3, 2007 11:25:38 GMT -5
Man, Josej, that was great and funny too and so right on! I am single and wish I had a mate, but trying to be a loving couple with this stuff has to be awful hard sometimes.
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Post by bugsy on Jun 3, 2007 11:55:28 GMT -5
Dear grsue,
I hear you and I feel your pain. Believe me. I've seen both sides of this. I've been condescended to by my spouse and "not believed" right up until the moment he got this!! Seemed he didn't really get it until he "got it" ya know. Whatever you read into ... in what I wrote....was completely misconstrued. The intent behind it was to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...as in do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better!! Am glad Josej gets it....am glad for his wife as well.
The worst thing in the world is when the person closest to us doesn't believe us.....or in us. Then for him to imply that your parents...one of the most important foundations in your life felt this way as well.....not fair. It felt like my soul was being slowly murdered....like I didn't matter to the one I so desperately needed. If my wording was misleading.....was not my intent belive me. I do get it. I'm living it.
~Bugsy
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josej
Full Member
Posts: 140
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Post by josej on Jun 3, 2007 12:51:07 GMT -5
ummm....
I feel like I have to do a bit of a "disclaimer" here... tho' not sure if that's the right legal term.
Here's the thing. I just re-read my post. And now I'm feeling really stupid. I think when I wrote that I was feeling a little too full-of-myself. So, I came across as some "saint". Which I'm not. Far from it.
I'd like to be that guy who is always caring and nurturing. I'd like to be the hero. But, I'm being hypocritical. I lose it all too easily, and I get impatient... and I may as well be Mr. Bug!
Really, I'm not kicking my own behind... I'm not being too hard on myself... this ain't false humility... the reality is that I can be my wife's own worst enemy (at times).
So, whoever reads this, please don't get the wrong impression that I'm some angel. I want to maintain my credibility on this board, and if I don't post this about myself, then I'd be painting myself as something that I'm not.
Trying to get there... just haven't arrived yet.
And, totally agree with bugsy. You've got to take care of yourself. If you don't who will? Yea, it would be nice if the husband became your true partner in all of this. Maybe if he sees you standing on your own two feet and handling your crisis like a Prov 31 woman, maybe he'll come to his senses. But if he doesn't, then it's his loss.
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Post by grsue on Jun 3, 2007 16:25:59 GMT -5
Like buginarug, I'm fairly tough but sensitive. I've been through a lot of really tough things in my life. In all the years that we've been together and married, most of it has been tough and perhaps it was a big mistake to enter into it (marriage), or take it this far, considering it all, but to look at me, after all we've been through and say , in a very pompous, self-important way, " At least I didn't throw you out and have you deal with this on your own" is just too much .
Things are going OK for him, and now, I am a drag on him. I think this often happens to marriages after more than 25 years. I have health concerns. I stayed home and took care of kids with major health concerns and resulting emotional issues, but now, all of a sudden, he is doing well at work, all the rest is a bad memory, and his attitude is that I should be glad he doesn't throw me out.
I probably shouldn't have replied. It hit a raw nerve when I read the letter and was just then having such an exchange at home. It's probably time for me to just move out and move on.
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Post by ppy18 on Jun 3, 2007 17:15:51 GMT -5
grsue, throw the jackass out. if he doesn't come crawlin' back with his tail between his legs then he ia obviously an ignorant fool. tell himm that you carried his sorry butt for many years and it's time to return the favor. god i'm glad i'm a lesbian
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Post by ANTHILL on Jun 3, 2007 22:59:58 GMT -5
When Carrie and I went to the oriental food market yesterday to get some of that good rice that the have The lady that checked us out Imparted both me and and Carrie with some oriental marriage wisdom She said pointing at Carrie this is how the oriental does it,, When she have beef you shut up and you listen then she pointed at me and said talking to Carrie then next time when he have beef you shut up and you listen and you will have a good marriage always I thought this to be such sound advice coming from a checkout clerk I think I am going to implement it in my life
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Post by jj on Jun 4, 2007 15:37:39 GMT -5
Jose, got ya the first time and thanks for 'coming out' and saying so. Bet ya feel good about it. This crap really takes a toll on relationships but it can also make them solid as a rock especially with open communication even if one is from venus and the other from Mars. Hang in there Buginarug. ... JJ
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Post by ppy18 on Jun 4, 2007 15:50:20 GMT -5
ant- but what about the corporal punishment? is that a go or a no go?
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Post by buginarug on Jun 4, 2007 15:50:35 GMT -5
what choice do I have JJ....mr bug and I are like peas and carrots....
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Post by buginarug on Jun 4, 2007 15:54:51 GMT -5
except for this one thing......
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Post by liatris on Jun 5, 2007 0:39:11 GMT -5
Josej -
Well, all that you have mentioned about why some (many ?) husbands do the denial and then blame thing - becoming the victim so they do not have to face that they are the perpetrator - yes, perpetrator - is pretty much understood (I think) - we do know what is going on and why they do it. When someone is suffering with something and the other's ego is so large that they (being God-like) are feeling ego-bashed because they have not solved it and then they go on to disconnect and even be offensive and mean - well, there is NOTHING honorable about that. The ego is so big that they cannot just forget that THEY, wonderful they, cannot be the hero and acknowledge what is happening to their poor partner - instead they actually have to childishly make it worse because they have not been provided with the opportunity to be the hero ? If some one is looking for an ego-boost, pouting and causing more grief is not exactly going to make your truly suffering partner think that you are great - this should HURT, not help, your ego. You go WAY down in her book. THAT is what is SO stupid about this "approach". It screws her up, you end up looking like more of a jerk - so nobody wins.
I have explained to my husband that if he just remains authentic and does not try to be the egotistical know it all that I respect him WAY more and trust him for not attempting to pull some totally obvious BS. Those of you who do this - KNOW that it is obvious to us on this side as to what you are doing. And hiding behind the remote ONLY serves as a way fro YOU to hide your head in the sand - but we see you - your ass is sticking up and the whole rest of your body is there. You are only kidding yourself. Do you really gain ? Try being honest and admit that you do not have the answers. We know you don't. It is not this disease that ruins relationships - it is just that the difficulty it creates brings out the jerk in some people. Men are not the only ones, there are women who can respond the same way. It's selfish, immature and egotistical. Why should women give their partners another chance, as you suggest, when they do not show any signs of getting real and growing up ? Josej, if you see this inauthentic behavior in yourself and you understand why you do it and you see that it benefits no one, why do you still do it ? I really wonder. Being in denial must obviously have it's perks but when you see how much harm it causes, how can you continue ?
It is too bad that the people who this refers to do not generally come to this board. Maybe those with Morg. could show this thread to their "other". I hope someone can read this and take the risk of being a real and authentic man. Now that is a real man. There is NOTHING more attractive than an authentic, honest man.
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Post by buginarug on Jun 5, 2007 1:25:58 GMT -5
well said liatris, and thanks for pointing out that women can be very much the same way, so true, even I have been guilty of this. Luckily I learned that behaving this way only amplifies this behavior in your partner. It's a lose, lose scenario every gosh darn time, now if I could only get the hubby to come to this conclusion......
Stupid is, as stupid does....I think I'm having a Forrest Gump day...
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