toreup
Junior Member
Posts: 76
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Post by toreup on Aug 17, 2005 1:17:47 GMT -5
I am at my wits end. I am exhausted from all the work and cleaning. My husband does not help out with a thing. He has clothes piled everywhere and his room is a pig sty. I had to move in the spare room. I see the fuzz balls in his room everywhere. I guess he doesn't get it. My skin is never going to heal and I will never get well. His garage looks like something I have never seen in my life.
I grew up very clean and took good care of my things. He does not take care of anything. I also am 45 years old and have a six year old son. I have kids here all the time for him to play with since he is an only child.and you can imagine the mess from them.
My point is I am going to end up in a divorce because of his lifestyle. I just lost my youngest sister ( my best friend) to breast cancer , my mother has breast cancer, dad just had a stroke. I am going through so much pain. My husband has been so mean to me lately. He has no compassion at all. Has anyone else gone through all this and what did you do to get through it.
I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
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Post by Spec on Aug 17, 2005 4:55:18 GMT -5
Hello Susan,
See there are other similarities between us besides our lesions!
It sounds like you are directly in the eye of the storm. I am so sorry you lost your little sister. One thing we know, she is in a better place. i am glad you posted this, so others can express sympathy, and you do need lots of care, and sounds like not much comes your way.
You are going to get well. You are.
I also was married to King Slob. He didn't have initiative in many ways. The more I did, the less he did. The more he laid around and read. He was not happy - this did have a lot to do with his mother's disapproval. I also don't think he wanted to care for a family. He likes others taking care of him. That was such a mess. Finally he left!
luckily he became employed with a good income by a member of his family. Thank God, the child support, which wasn't much, was better than what he earned when he lived with me and the kids! Still we were in desperate circumstances, I had to pay the bankruptcy, because it was pended against this little shack of a house and the kids and I still lived in the place - so only I had to file and pay back the destruction he caused, otherwise, the boot.
Things Like 45 bad checks in a month. A business where he had written contracts which cost more to fulfill, then he charged. The list goes on.
After he left, the yard kept getting worse when the lawn was finally completely dead, then I'd spend a month out of every summer manually removing all the high weeds and tumbleweeds in the huge yard. We're talking over 100 Leaf bags so heavy I could hardly move them. This is where I got some of this infection. He'd torn out walls and doors and never completed anything, so we airconditioned the uninsulated garage for years after he left, and that was expensive in Arizona. Couldn't block it off properly either since that was the way to the laundry. Mold everywhere from leaking sinks and no money ever to fix these things, while I made every BK payments for 5 years. I lost my career as a photographer as well.
Didn't want to live instead on the street, so we struggled and repaired the house when i could with a laborer helping me. When we finally divorced, the BK was paid and the house was finally gaining some value. He'd let it FORECLOSURE, and wanted it to, so I and the kids would be thrown out, but when we finally divorced, (he refused to respond, and I had to file twice and took 5 years in court after a seperation of atleast 7), who do you think fought me in court to get the house? He had even quitclaimed it over to me to try to escape the whole thing, and still thought he should be entitled.
Of course, he walked away got a nice place and the manager was immeditately his girlfriend. Didn't talk to my sons for 3 years! Didn't have them come visit until I threatened him. Finally now he has some relation with them.. does he recognize I helped him, with the boys, and always, even after he left?? No, I am still some sort of monster. I wonder how a monster turned out two such good, capable, strong, young men??
Oh well, financially still devastated but much of that was from this Lyme disease effects. It was a long lonely road alone with two bodyguards (my sons) who would let no man near me. One thing I have learned from all this is life passes quickly, and there is no time to lose. No time to waste with individuals who do not respect you or themselves. These individuals are harmful to their children as well, the less exposure, the less chance of dysfunction in the kids.
Please don't anyone think i am bashing men, because i know many men who had worthless, nit picking, user-type, addicts of all sorts, of females/wives in their lives. Life is hell for these men, because often the mother convinces the court to give her the kids. And a lot of time, there are lies, big lies, about the men and expensive court cases, and "china doll affidavit".
Now I am alone and finally have my adult privledges back, for what? I'm too sick and flea bitten to care. Now I just hope I can get to a better job and better income. For What? I guess just to keep hangin' around and working and worrying.
If I had a magic wand and could fix things in the past, I would wave it over my head and realize that I needed to save myself from the upcoming disasters and stop trying to brave the storm. I still do not know how i could have done something different, since there were also issues with care for my son, who was having great difficulties.. but then, I did need a magic wand.
I can't imagine hearing this stuff can make you feel better Susan. What i can say, is, you will be better off making a plan and you will then feel as if you have some control over your own outcome. It will be better for you if you can find the resources in the community that can help you ahead of time. It may seem impossible, but you will have to really stretch your imagination and keep thinking of creating the plan. Even though he may never leave, try to think what you would do, where you would go, how you could best manage if you were alone. Picture it. The situation of his neglect toward you is like a huge thorn in your side and it only further drains you of your energy.
Consult with professionals if you can and learn what the law is in your state and the trend taking place concerning custody, division of property, alimony. Many will give you some idea at a free consultation of short discussion on the phone. Different ones will tell you different things, and it may be hard to find a good attorney. Trust your instinct. If they seem to be shining you on, they are.
The one thing I do know is these things do not get better.
I hope this post does not make you feel any worse!
spec
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Post by adapted on Aug 17, 2005 5:56:06 GMT -5
Poor toreup. Hi there, "speckers". I am so sorry, I just don't know where to begin. I think I would definitely go on strike though. Was your husband neat when you first met him? I have a 29 year old daughter that is a only child too. If having kids there all the time for your son to play with is creating extra unnecessary messes, I think you should re-examine that, don't you? Who said that you were the one who had to clean up messes? Tell the lil buggars to not make them in the first place and if that isn't a workable solution, make the necessary adjustments. There now, that was simple. I am so, so sorry you lost your dear sister. How sad to hear about your parents serious health conditions too. Do you have any idea what is causing your husband to be so mean to you lately? That is pretty heartless of him. I've been single all my life, so I'm not living with a slob, but I am one. I wasn't always one though. I am disabled and I've been through some pretty damned hard knocks that caught up with me. I pray that you aren't heading for a nervous breakdown. If it's any consolation, I never saw mine coming and didn't even know I was in one. Oh, I knew it was far beyond depresssion, but I've been in a semi-altered state of consciousness for close to 5 months. I had snapped, is why. Sometimes, apparently, things are far too unrealistically painful for our minds to deal with. God protected me by putting me into a safe place by allowing me to shift into this altered state of consciousness I was in. I just "came to" so-to-speak a couple of weeks ago. I would have rather preferred staying where I was. I had completely lost myself, this time though, and I was the last one to know. March 31, 2005-about 2 weeks ago. Maybe since you're in tune to it, you can act on that quickly and find some workable solutions to things to eliminate some of your stressors. You want to prevent a nervous breakdown. That little boy needs his mama. Bless his poor little heart. I assume he has witnessed his daddy being mean to you too. Something has to change for the better, toreup, before his little psyche is damaged from that permanently. Don't think it isn't having an effect on him. Imagine how you would feel in his shoes. Can you discuss that aspect with your husband? All the friends in the world can't compensate for your son's mommy & daddy fighting. If I could come and help you clean, I would be there in a flash. But toreup, are messes being cleaned up really worth it all? I understand the compulsion over cleanliness, because I played that friggin game with morgellons when I had it too. To a point, that is, until I realized it made no difference. I'm praying extra for you, ladygoil. Hang tough. Love, Adapted P.S. I just now read your post spec. The way you described how your yard had once become, is how mine is this year. Anybody need some hay?
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Post by TonyM on Aug 17, 2005 17:19:53 GMT -5
Man, I wish someone would talk to my friend, he's so messy, and I keep telling him to not leave cups of water in the sink too, does he listen, no...he laughs, and does it anyway. Leaves pots of rice on the stove overnight, leftover food basically. Recently, since he works, and I get stay here alone all day, so I've agreed to do all the housework until I can get back to work - he dirties as many dishes as possible when he cooks, or it seems, keeps stacks and stacks of newspapers in a big box (morgs LoVe paper) and after all the damned explaining that I keep doing, he still just does what he wants. I used to clean all the time, then even vacuumed almost daily, until I just got sick of doing the work all myself. Just like the plant he has in the bedroom (good thing I don't sleep there, but tis' rite around the corner from where I sleep, AND do think alot of them come to us from that plant), but again this morning, I said "we need to throw that thing away, because it contributes to our problem", and what does he say "I'm not throwing it away, I'll just take it to my parents house, don't worry about it"....I was like "OMG!, are you crazy?!?!?!!...it's bad enough your brother has it, and got him to crack to the point he's in a mental institution (his brother snapped because of BiPolar Disorder and has been complaining of bugs and was living at the parents' house too), and now you just want to infect your parents' too, I mean your mother is in a wheelchair still recovering from a stroke after how many years now, and you Really think they will be able to handle something like this, &%#@!!!". He got angry and knowing he was going to work, fills the plant with water in the Bath Tub, and leaves the damned thing there. Can you believe it!!! What a jack-***!!! I've told him at least 10 times not to leave plants in the bath tub because the bugs like it in there and they will feed and have babies in the drains. Then, to top it all off, after he left, I went to move it and saw all these tiny little brown spots All Over the backs of almost all of the leaves too. Man, living with someone who says he doesn't really think "they" bother him, he sure is blowing them out of his nose enough....Scratching all the time, and constantly spitting out slime too. Every morning I get to clean up the mess in the kitchen and around the bath area sink/counter of water all over and hair everywhere as he is complaining Again of hair falling out, and turn over cups of water, dishes with water in them, I want to just scream sometimes "Are you just friggin stupid, or doing this on purpose!!! "...talk about not caring...I know this might not be as bad as some of your situations, but man I'm getting fed up with someone that has the money to, but won't buy Hepa Filtered bags for the vac, even though it's $7 for a bag of 2 or 3 of them. It's like I'm the only one trying to get rid of them, and he really could care less. I know it's not the case, but for God's sake man, have a brain, y'know. We've been a thing for 4 years now, going on 5 in January. How am I going to accomplish the goal, if he won't play along, y'know. It's like I'm the mad scientist, and he's just part of the woodwork....LOL. I DID get to use the UV blacklight on him last night, hahaha....ya should've seen the look on his face the very moment I put the thing by his arms at 1st, anyone ever seen that Guiness Book of World Records guy that can pop his eyes out - HAHAHA!!! Now That would've been a cool picture to show you guys (lmao). First thing he did was take the light from me and ran, I mean ran, to the bath/sink part of the house where the Huge mirror is, turned all of the light off - and stood there pulling out fibers like a mad man. He couldn't believe his eyes and said "I know Some of this has to be just lint!"....I laughed and said "Ohh, you think do you, pufft, i don't". I think I made him a real believer last night, and now he is even taking the Candida Cleanser ---> last night and this morning.....Now, just to get him to start being as avid on the cleaning house thing. I will have a talk with him tonight - see if he can help me go through all his piles of clothes on the floor in the bedroom. At least MY clothes are either hung or for the most part, or in Giant plastic storage bins Ohh well, "I have had this too long" I said last nite to him, and continued with "Dude, I can't do this alone, and I NEED you to start helping me clean, and I will help you with your clothes, as infested as we are, we have to get rid of the clothes we aren't using, and these cloth couches MUST go"....now the furniture is mine, and was given to me by a friend about 2 years ago, and will have to wait until we can buy a new set (God only knows when that'll happen). I am gonna keep trying, I am NOT a quitter!!!! Thanks for listening to me rant, and God Bless you ALL.....TonyM
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Post by Guest on Aug 17, 2005 23:43:32 GMT -5
Wow people, I am so sorry to read about the sadness in your lives and my condolences to you, toreup. I wish I could help you, even more than myself. My husband isn't callous, but he doesn't realize that he is infected and doesn't seem to take the extra care that is necessary to try to get control in our home. I broke part of my spinal column in 1996, so cleaning as much as I do is really tough. Cleaning myself and the house is most of what I do. I haven't gone out with the exception of seeing doctors for about two years. I wonder if I am going mad. My children are grown and living in other states with their families and even though we are close, find it hard that I won't let them visit. Other than phone contact I am alone, alone, alone. Every day, all the time. I have had extreme symptoms for these past two years. I wonder how many people have been institutionalized over the centuries, due to this blight, just because others could not see. Have faith, we will be cured!!!!!!!! Please be good to yourselves.
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Post by jodyann52 on Aug 18, 2005 14:58:55 GMT -5
my husband said he dont beleave i have any bugs or anything under my skin.i was very upset yeasterday. guess who is sick today... he is, his heart, lungs, back, legs, he sure looks sick to me.i think he knows there is no hope for this.but i can not just let it go... i want it to go away.but just can not act like it is nothing.my body my mine knows this is a big deal.and that is scarrrrrry............i think some people r to scared to think what this is. god have mercy on all of us.
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Post by bb on Aug 18, 2005 18:56:17 GMT -5
Wow! Yes! I can't believe anyone even asked that question, but YES my husband is the messiest. I have told him HE is causing marital problems between us, but he just does not care.
THEN my boss' wife bought me a book titled "When You Live With a Messie". I'm not kidding it really helped, especially to read how the messie causes great pain in the life of the non-messie. I cried. There really is tremendous struggle, dissatisfaction, and pain. Eventually something has to change.
Divorce certainly is an option, but one that I do not want to take. I love this man, he is a wonderful person. Threatening divorce won't make him change.
BUT HE CAN CHANGE! Get the book, read it and decide what changes you need to make in how you approach the problem with him/her. I was doing many things right, like NEVER picking up after him, because it only makes him worse. But I had not learned to be loving and respectful about how I get my message across, but I also had to learn to be firm and to state outloud to him what my expectations are.
I underlined important things as I read the book, and made him read the underlined parts himself.
Compromise in the short run, if it saves you a lot of energy later. Say if, right now, the problem is his huge pile of clothes. You approach it like this. "Sweetheart, we have to get this cleaned up, washed, and then bag up what you don't need to simplify cleaning right now. I will help you get this done, but I want you to keep all clothing off the floor from now on, or I'll never get well. I really need your help, I may not look it but I am extremely sick."
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linda
New Member
Posts: 0
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Post by linda on Aug 19, 2005 12:07:27 GMT -5
Hi there friends,
Susan, I've seen my husband become progressively more tired over the course of our marriage (10 years). Today, I'd say he is borderline chronic-fatigue, which means he doesn't help around the house or with the kids much. He is just sooooo tired all of the time. I believe it is related to the Morgellons (he has fibers) and an unhealthy diet/lifestyle. Despite his tiredness at home, he still manages to earn a good income; he just poops-out the minute he walks in the door. I never know if I think we will make it. Underneath all of this tiredness is the fun, sweet guy I married. I just can't figure out how to get him back. I fluctuate between anger, pity, and guilt. We just need help so bad.
Take Care, Linda
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JLR
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by JLR on Aug 19, 2005 14:31:24 GMT -5
My next door neighbor was living in a pig sty before i reported her to the owner, she had to clean out her place... I'm talking a serious mess from years of living in your her filth. Maybe there connection here? My place was spotless, I tend to live minimally and throw uncessary useless clutter away so I don't know how this could have happend. I moved outta that place, best decision I've made this year... only wish I had done it sooner, maybe I wouldnt be still be struggling with this crap today.
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