Post by bannanny on Dec 15, 2009 2:50:24 GMT -5
Even tho I have so much to say here, I don't really feel there's anything to reply to. I'm just getting it out... and I want you to know my heart is with Sue.
You've probably guessed by now that I'd come back to the board telling you what it's been like this time... and I'd most likely also be saying again that every single time this monster cycles, it's even more extreme than the one that came before it. So yeah, I'm saying it again... but everything I feel and see now has finally become totally unbearable to me. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to get thru it anymore. I really don't know how.
It's reached a point where it never even subsides... it just never ever subsides. The visuals are like watching a horror movie that never ends. There might as well be a big screen playing it over and over right in front of my face.
I can't open my eyes now without seeing it somewhere. All I see are "energy filled" particles, sudden bright white or red sparks, or the different types of strands coming out of my body... the same things I see shooting or flying across every room and wall of this house. Along with those, the sudden appearance of "vapors" and the bluish white hues of ribbon patterned lights that appear in the air out of nowhere (and look so ghostly to me) have at least tripled from what they were before. I just want to run away from it all and hide, or better yet just die... but I can't.
The web-like strands, particles and tiny fibers are seen and felt by me continuously now. If they aren't shooting out of my head, face, neck, back, arms, legs, or feet (including my shoes) then they're coming off my clothes, my bed, my computer, or shooting across the carpets, floors, and walls. I feel the sting and see the stuff in every single thing there is to touch... even on what's in the fridge and the freezer. I see micro tiny black things suddenly roll out and speed along the edges of furniture, countertops and doors... anything with an edge.
The pain I feel now is beyond what it's ever felt like before too.
There's not a minute left in the day, when I'm not feeling at least 3 of the sensations at the same time that I talk about below... and every time one comes on, it feels exactly the same way it felt the last time. They all just repeat over and over again at any given time, no matter what I do...
In certain spots on my head, a strong vibrating sensation starts and the pain that follows is unreal. It feels as tho a drill is driving electrical volts right thru my scalp and into my brain. It also happens in spots on the rest of my body, going right thru my skin to the muscles and tissue below it.
I feel a vibration begin under my scalp just above the hairline too, then feel a row of strands start to move and stream down my forehead just beneath the skin towards my eyebrows... I feel so much pressure, it's like each strand is carving a trail right under my skin.
That same vibration will suddenly shoot straight across my eyelash from one end to the other, then I see white specs in my lashes and brows. What follows is a sudden spray of particles... the sting of it feels like tiny pieces of fiberglass have been shot deep into my eye itself.
My ears often start to burn and sting as if a hot pin has just been shoved right into the ear drum. I hear clicks, chirping sounds, and a rustled pulsing sound. At times I hear such a high pitched ringing, I react by covering my ears and just start screaming to try and drown it out.
When I put my reading glasses on, the strands come out thru the ends of my hair and begin to wrap around the arms of my glasses from there. The things are so strong they actually pull the arms up and down on my head. When I pull them back down I feel the sting in my fingers the second I touch them. Before long, the lenses are also covered in specs and particles as well... and what flies off of them hits me in the eyes again, attach to the sides of my nose, and every other part of my face and head where my glasses sit.
My skin feels like rubber and the hairs on my arms are enmeshed with strands. Each time they surface and move around to spit more particles out, they've become so thick I can feel and see the strands floating above the skin on my arms... and off everything else in this house too. I've been wearing gloves on my hands, but the ones I recently bought don't seem to be doing as good a job as the other brand did that I had. Just while typing this, I've been seeing sparks and white streaks of light shooting off of the ones I'm wearing now.
Certain areas on my body just beneath the skin will start to pulse out of nowhere too. Then it begins to span out over the area and gets so strong at times that my skin will actually bounce up and down... it's as if I were watching boiling water bubbling beneath my skin. It only happens on one area of my left arm, a spot around my rib cage, and places on both of my legs. But as fast as one starts, it suddenly stops too.
I've also been having uncontrollable and painful spasms in my hands and feet. I was holding a yogurt in my hand when I felt the sting this time. Then my fingers suddenly cramped and curled up to such an extreme, the yogurt fell to the ground. I couldn't even pull my fingers back up with my other hand... it took what seemed like forever before I got them to unbend. It was the most painful cramp I've had yet.
The strand that seems to be anchored in my back where my spinal surgery scar is, will actually pull my clothing away from me. It's a very frightening feeling... it just happened again when I went to the kitchen. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not in this thread yet.
I think the bumps in my neck and other areas of my body are either a holding place of some kind or an anchor. Reason being, I can easily follow trails leading from each one. I can feel them with my fingers winding around every part of my body all the way from my head to my toes. What's inside the trails, I'm not sure (but I believe it's either strands... or the gel inside creating them.) It's rare, almost never that I follow the trails now tho. Any kind of stimulation to this stuff or disturbance of any kind only produces more of it.
One day last week, I took 3 showers in a row cuz I felt worse when I got out than I did when I got in. The bright white sparks and glass-like particles were everywhere inside the shower too. I saw it and felt it all no matter what I did or where I looked. Sharp pieces of strands, some a light amber, some transparent, were breaking out of my hair and feet like glass while in the shower and again when I was drying off. I went back for my 2nd shower and that's when the 1st of my 2 new morg experiences occurred... two more things I didn't need.
The hair on top of my head and going down the left side to the back of my neck is worse than the rest of it. As soon as I get in the shower and the water hits my head, my hair gets as hard as wood in those areas. Then as soon as I start rubbing shampoo thru it, my head and hands start to sting. When I've finished rinsing out the shampoo, I put my conditioner (and additives) on and let it sit for awhile. That's when I try to get out what's gone into my hands from my hair. I rub and then try to push what I feel up and out thru my fingertips. But this time, I saw something come out I've never seen before. Right where the palm of your hand meets the bottom of your fingers, this large black ball of something popped out and started to bubble in between 2 of my fingers. But within a few seconds, it completely vanished from sight all together. It was a large round black mass too, so I can't even begin to think how it suddenly disappeared like it did. I also can't begin to understand what it even was.
After that came my 3rd and final shower. I'd given up on trying to feel half way human... and as my luck goes, it was after this last shower of mine when the 2nd new morg thing had to show me its ugly face too. I just finished combing my hair out. I looked in the mirror, and in 4 different areas (three around the top and one on the side) were fluorescent blue oblong shaped lumps of something... and they were glowing. I grabbed a new comb to see if I could comb them out... but they would only spread out thru my hair a bit more. Not that anything pertaining to morgs sounds weird... but the second I'd stop combing thru the things, they'd come right back together and form into a lump again, then started to flicker like a neon sign. I just stood there and started to cry some more, then gave up again and tried to put everything out of my mind. I got into bed still feeling most of the sick sensations I always feel now, but I was so exhausted from it all I finally fell asleep... and I wish I'd never woken up. I have no idea what either of these 2 new things are that I've seen... all I know is I didn't need anything more.
There's already too much in me and too much in this house. So much that I don't see how it can ever be reversed. The bright white and red sparks, the white, black, and amber specs, all the sparklies in the air, the bright white streaks that shoot by me and off me, the fine black and white strands floating around me and across my keyboard, and the constant sparks of fiberglass-like particles, are all consuming and so very prominent everywhere now. I see them shoot out of my clothes, off my chair, off my phone, my tv, my bed, and everything else my eyes can see... and the particles hurt so bad now.
I know I keep referring to the feelings as if I'm being sprayed with fiberglass and hit with strong vibrating volts of electricity... but that's exactly what it feels like to me. But to see everything I feel on my body and what's in the air all around me, is what makes it the real horror it is for me. It doesn't matter where I am anymore either. I see it all the time now... when I sit here at my computer, when I'm lying in bed, and even when I'm in the shower. There's nothing I can do to make it go away... so how do I handle this now? All I know to do is pray to God to stop it any way He can. Even if He has to bring me home to do it, I don't care. I just need it to stop.
But I will finish this up by telling you some things that may help those of you who research. At least there has been one thing that's become apparent to me each time this mess has cycled into more of a nightmare than it already was. At times it does end up fitting a piece of this puzzle together for me... this last cycle is one of those times.
I know for a fact now, that the transparent strands beneath the surface of the skin and what are also inside the hair shafts, are the component of morgs responsible for dispersing the amber specs and the adhesive white specs... and I know where the white specs take it from there (not sure about the amber ones yet.)
The white specs contain the smaller web-like strands, which in turn emit the micro size fiberglass-like particles back onto us and into the air. This time, I can say I'm 100 per cent sure of it.
How it all came about is this...
I wear a breathable stretch cap on my head, with another satin hat over it when I'm at home. It helps lessen what's being dispersed from my hair back out onto me and into my environment. I've been wearing them for a long time now... it's the only security blanket I have. I've never bought them in black tho... I hate the color, especially since having morgs since more of it can be seen on it. But the stretch cap has only been coming in black lately, and obviously showing some of morgs much more easily. But it also gave me the opportunity to understand what's behind making another thing appear. I'll feel the strands start to move thru my hair and then feel the vibrations start, seconds later is when the white and amber specs start to appear on the cap. I watched it happen every single time, so it proved to me the transparent motile strands are responsible for dispersing the amber and white specs. Like I said, now I also know what the white specs contain.
The white specs the transparent strands disperse, in turn contain the smaller web-like strand. I watched with my own eyes when one seemed to unwind out of the spec and then elongate.
Then I was able to see what happens from there after the same thing happened on the seat of my chair (which is also black.) I got up and noticed another white spec on my seat with the web-like strand already stretched out from it. I moved my chair more towards the light and was clearly able to see that it was the strand that emits the tiny particles from thru out it's length, while at the same time... it began to embed itself into my chair.
So at least I've been able to put those 3 aspects in the order they occur in. I was already certain about the particles being emitted from the nearly invisible web-like strands, but I didn't know the white specs hold them, or where the white specs came from themselves, nor did I know the sequence of events. I know I can be hard to follow sometimes when I try to write everything out, so I'll put it down like this too...
(1) when transparent strands become motile, it's to disperse amber and white specs
(2) white specs in turn, hold the web-like strands
(3) web-like strands in turn, emit hundreds of micro particles... and the process goes on, and on, and on
So now we all know that part at least... I just wish someone would tell us what to do about it.
I've been writing this and a long letter to Dr. Abbott in spurts over the last 2 weeks. I'd write a paragraph or two before having to get away from the puter again, but I finally finished them both. I sent him more of my observations along with pics, and also told him some of what I just told you as well. I couldn't believe what he said when I read his email to me... but it's why I just had to get a letter back to him about everything.
He actually said that he values our observations you guys. He wants to know what we have to say too, since we're the ones experiencing it all. My heart skipped a beat when I read that... then I started to cry. He's the first one who's ever wanted to know what we've learned about morgs ourselves. In my eyes, he's the best thing that's happened to us in a long time. He also told me in the email, he's seeing several species of mold in my dish. I'll copy and paste the rest of it here for you to read...
Hi Robin:
Thanks for the email, I am always happy to get your observations. Even if it is hard to know the significance of all of the various factors and symptoms that you experience, these observations are valuable since you are the ones dealing with this phenomenon on a daily basis. Your sample showed several species of mold, and we are working with subculture and identification of the various isolates, which I estimate will take approximately one week to complete, thanks for your patience. We have received samples from three individuals now, hopefully more will continue to come in so we can look for commonalities and trends. Have a good weekend, take care.
Sean
I just saw I have another email from his office when got online. I have to get off the computer again tho so I'll open it tomorrow and let you know what it says.
I love you guys,
and I love you so very much too Sue... bannanny
You've probably guessed by now that I'd come back to the board telling you what it's been like this time... and I'd most likely also be saying again that every single time this monster cycles, it's even more extreme than the one that came before it. So yeah, I'm saying it again... but everything I feel and see now has finally become totally unbearable to me. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to get thru it anymore. I really don't know how.
It's reached a point where it never even subsides... it just never ever subsides. The visuals are like watching a horror movie that never ends. There might as well be a big screen playing it over and over right in front of my face.
I can't open my eyes now without seeing it somewhere. All I see are "energy filled" particles, sudden bright white or red sparks, or the different types of strands coming out of my body... the same things I see shooting or flying across every room and wall of this house. Along with those, the sudden appearance of "vapors" and the bluish white hues of ribbon patterned lights that appear in the air out of nowhere (and look so ghostly to me) have at least tripled from what they were before. I just want to run away from it all and hide, or better yet just die... but I can't.
The web-like strands, particles and tiny fibers are seen and felt by me continuously now. If they aren't shooting out of my head, face, neck, back, arms, legs, or feet (including my shoes) then they're coming off my clothes, my bed, my computer, or shooting across the carpets, floors, and walls. I feel the sting and see the stuff in every single thing there is to touch... even on what's in the fridge and the freezer. I see micro tiny black things suddenly roll out and speed along the edges of furniture, countertops and doors... anything with an edge.
The pain I feel now is beyond what it's ever felt like before too.
There's not a minute left in the day, when I'm not feeling at least 3 of the sensations at the same time that I talk about below... and every time one comes on, it feels exactly the same way it felt the last time. They all just repeat over and over again at any given time, no matter what I do...
In certain spots on my head, a strong vibrating sensation starts and the pain that follows is unreal. It feels as tho a drill is driving electrical volts right thru my scalp and into my brain. It also happens in spots on the rest of my body, going right thru my skin to the muscles and tissue below it.
I feel a vibration begin under my scalp just above the hairline too, then feel a row of strands start to move and stream down my forehead just beneath the skin towards my eyebrows... I feel so much pressure, it's like each strand is carving a trail right under my skin.
That same vibration will suddenly shoot straight across my eyelash from one end to the other, then I see white specs in my lashes and brows. What follows is a sudden spray of particles... the sting of it feels like tiny pieces of fiberglass have been shot deep into my eye itself.
My ears often start to burn and sting as if a hot pin has just been shoved right into the ear drum. I hear clicks, chirping sounds, and a rustled pulsing sound. At times I hear such a high pitched ringing, I react by covering my ears and just start screaming to try and drown it out.
When I put my reading glasses on, the strands come out thru the ends of my hair and begin to wrap around the arms of my glasses from there. The things are so strong they actually pull the arms up and down on my head. When I pull them back down I feel the sting in my fingers the second I touch them. Before long, the lenses are also covered in specs and particles as well... and what flies off of them hits me in the eyes again, attach to the sides of my nose, and every other part of my face and head where my glasses sit.
My skin feels like rubber and the hairs on my arms are enmeshed with strands. Each time they surface and move around to spit more particles out, they've become so thick I can feel and see the strands floating above the skin on my arms... and off everything else in this house too. I've been wearing gloves on my hands, but the ones I recently bought don't seem to be doing as good a job as the other brand did that I had. Just while typing this, I've been seeing sparks and white streaks of light shooting off of the ones I'm wearing now.
Certain areas on my body just beneath the skin will start to pulse out of nowhere too. Then it begins to span out over the area and gets so strong at times that my skin will actually bounce up and down... it's as if I were watching boiling water bubbling beneath my skin. It only happens on one area of my left arm, a spot around my rib cage, and places on both of my legs. But as fast as one starts, it suddenly stops too.
I've also been having uncontrollable and painful spasms in my hands and feet. I was holding a yogurt in my hand when I felt the sting this time. Then my fingers suddenly cramped and curled up to such an extreme, the yogurt fell to the ground. I couldn't even pull my fingers back up with my other hand... it took what seemed like forever before I got them to unbend. It was the most painful cramp I've had yet.
The strand that seems to be anchored in my back where my spinal surgery scar is, will actually pull my clothing away from me. It's a very frightening feeling... it just happened again when I went to the kitchen. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not in this thread yet.
I think the bumps in my neck and other areas of my body are either a holding place of some kind or an anchor. Reason being, I can easily follow trails leading from each one. I can feel them with my fingers winding around every part of my body all the way from my head to my toes. What's inside the trails, I'm not sure (but I believe it's either strands... or the gel inside creating them.) It's rare, almost never that I follow the trails now tho. Any kind of stimulation to this stuff or disturbance of any kind only produces more of it.
One day last week, I took 3 showers in a row cuz I felt worse when I got out than I did when I got in. The bright white sparks and glass-like particles were everywhere inside the shower too. I saw it and felt it all no matter what I did or where I looked. Sharp pieces of strands, some a light amber, some transparent, were breaking out of my hair and feet like glass while in the shower and again when I was drying off. I went back for my 2nd shower and that's when the 1st of my 2 new morg experiences occurred... two more things I didn't need.
The hair on top of my head and going down the left side to the back of my neck is worse than the rest of it. As soon as I get in the shower and the water hits my head, my hair gets as hard as wood in those areas. Then as soon as I start rubbing shampoo thru it, my head and hands start to sting. When I've finished rinsing out the shampoo, I put my conditioner (and additives) on and let it sit for awhile. That's when I try to get out what's gone into my hands from my hair. I rub and then try to push what I feel up and out thru my fingertips. But this time, I saw something come out I've never seen before. Right where the palm of your hand meets the bottom of your fingers, this large black ball of something popped out and started to bubble in between 2 of my fingers. But within a few seconds, it completely vanished from sight all together. It was a large round black mass too, so I can't even begin to think how it suddenly disappeared like it did. I also can't begin to understand what it even was.
After that came my 3rd and final shower. I'd given up on trying to feel half way human... and as my luck goes, it was after this last shower of mine when the 2nd new morg thing had to show me its ugly face too. I just finished combing my hair out. I looked in the mirror, and in 4 different areas (three around the top and one on the side) were fluorescent blue oblong shaped lumps of something... and they were glowing. I grabbed a new comb to see if I could comb them out... but they would only spread out thru my hair a bit more. Not that anything pertaining to morgs sounds weird... but the second I'd stop combing thru the things, they'd come right back together and form into a lump again, then started to flicker like a neon sign. I just stood there and started to cry some more, then gave up again and tried to put everything out of my mind. I got into bed still feeling most of the sick sensations I always feel now, but I was so exhausted from it all I finally fell asleep... and I wish I'd never woken up. I have no idea what either of these 2 new things are that I've seen... all I know is I didn't need anything more.
There's already too much in me and too much in this house. So much that I don't see how it can ever be reversed. The bright white and red sparks, the white, black, and amber specs, all the sparklies in the air, the bright white streaks that shoot by me and off me, the fine black and white strands floating around me and across my keyboard, and the constant sparks of fiberglass-like particles, are all consuming and so very prominent everywhere now. I see them shoot out of my clothes, off my chair, off my phone, my tv, my bed, and everything else my eyes can see... and the particles hurt so bad now.
I know I keep referring to the feelings as if I'm being sprayed with fiberglass and hit with strong vibrating volts of electricity... but that's exactly what it feels like to me. But to see everything I feel on my body and what's in the air all around me, is what makes it the real horror it is for me. It doesn't matter where I am anymore either. I see it all the time now... when I sit here at my computer, when I'm lying in bed, and even when I'm in the shower. There's nothing I can do to make it go away... so how do I handle this now? All I know to do is pray to God to stop it any way He can. Even if He has to bring me home to do it, I don't care. I just need it to stop.
But I will finish this up by telling you some things that may help those of you who research. At least there has been one thing that's become apparent to me each time this mess has cycled into more of a nightmare than it already was. At times it does end up fitting a piece of this puzzle together for me... this last cycle is one of those times.
I know for a fact now, that the transparent strands beneath the surface of the skin and what are also inside the hair shafts, are the component of morgs responsible for dispersing the amber specs and the adhesive white specs... and I know where the white specs take it from there (not sure about the amber ones yet.)
The white specs contain the smaller web-like strands, which in turn emit the micro size fiberglass-like particles back onto us and into the air. This time, I can say I'm 100 per cent sure of it.
How it all came about is this...
I wear a breathable stretch cap on my head, with another satin hat over it when I'm at home. It helps lessen what's being dispersed from my hair back out onto me and into my environment. I've been wearing them for a long time now... it's the only security blanket I have. I've never bought them in black tho... I hate the color, especially since having morgs since more of it can be seen on it. But the stretch cap has only been coming in black lately, and obviously showing some of morgs much more easily. But it also gave me the opportunity to understand what's behind making another thing appear. I'll feel the strands start to move thru my hair and then feel the vibrations start, seconds later is when the white and amber specs start to appear on the cap. I watched it happen every single time, so it proved to me the transparent motile strands are responsible for dispersing the amber and white specs. Like I said, now I also know what the white specs contain.
The white specs the transparent strands disperse, in turn contain the smaller web-like strand. I watched with my own eyes when one seemed to unwind out of the spec and then elongate.
Then I was able to see what happens from there after the same thing happened on the seat of my chair (which is also black.) I got up and noticed another white spec on my seat with the web-like strand already stretched out from it. I moved my chair more towards the light and was clearly able to see that it was the strand that emits the tiny particles from thru out it's length, while at the same time... it began to embed itself into my chair.
So at least I've been able to put those 3 aspects in the order they occur in. I was already certain about the particles being emitted from the nearly invisible web-like strands, but I didn't know the white specs hold them, or where the white specs came from themselves, nor did I know the sequence of events. I know I can be hard to follow sometimes when I try to write everything out, so I'll put it down like this too...
(1) when transparent strands become motile, it's to disperse amber and white specs
(2) white specs in turn, hold the web-like strands
(3) web-like strands in turn, emit hundreds of micro particles... and the process goes on, and on, and on
So now we all know that part at least... I just wish someone would tell us what to do about it.
I've been writing this and a long letter to Dr. Abbott in spurts over the last 2 weeks. I'd write a paragraph or two before having to get away from the puter again, but I finally finished them both. I sent him more of my observations along with pics, and also told him some of what I just told you as well. I couldn't believe what he said when I read his email to me... but it's why I just had to get a letter back to him about everything.
He actually said that he values our observations you guys. He wants to know what we have to say too, since we're the ones experiencing it all. My heart skipped a beat when I read that... then I started to cry. He's the first one who's ever wanted to know what we've learned about morgs ourselves. In my eyes, he's the best thing that's happened to us in a long time. He also told me in the email, he's seeing several species of mold in my dish. I'll copy and paste the rest of it here for you to read...
Hi Robin:
Thanks for the email, I am always happy to get your observations. Even if it is hard to know the significance of all of the various factors and symptoms that you experience, these observations are valuable since you are the ones dealing with this phenomenon on a daily basis. Your sample showed several species of mold, and we are working with subculture and identification of the various isolates, which I estimate will take approximately one week to complete, thanks for your patience. We have received samples from three individuals now, hopefully more will continue to come in so we can look for commonalities and trends. Have a good weekend, take care.
Sean
I just saw I have another email from his office when got online. I have to get off the computer again tho so I'll open it tomorrow and let you know what it says.
I love you guys,
and I love you so very much too Sue... bannanny