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Jokes
May 20, 2005 11:46:58 GMT -5
Post by Patti on May 20, 2005 11:46:58 GMT -5
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically...
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Jokes
May 23, 2005 9:19:07 GMT -5
Post by Patti on May 23, 2005 9:19:07 GMT -5
This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have.
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, un-noticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
~~Author Unknown~~
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Jokes
May 24, 2005 7:52:01 GMT -5
Post by Angie on May 24, 2005 7:52:01 GMT -5
Boy how true is that ladies? Very funny - thank you for this!
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Jokes
May 24, 2005 10:39:04 GMT -5
Post by Susan on May 24, 2005 10:39:04 GMT -5
Hey Patti, that must be the same gang that stole my parts..............I know they are not the same ones I had when I WAS 20.....
That is to cute... Thanks Patti Susan
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Jokes
May 24, 2005 16:43:11 GMT -5
Post by Susan on May 24, 2005 16:43:11 GMT -5
For we know that all things work for the good of them that love the Lord.
"THE OLD MAN and HIS SON
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to
dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as
the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That
same day the old man received another letter from his
son:
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred"
*****Author Unknown*****
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Jokes
May 25, 2005 9:42:54 GMT -5
Post by Patti on May 25, 2005 9:42:54 GMT -5
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
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Jokes
May 25, 2005 10:56:50 GMT -5
Post by ANTHILL on May 25, 2005 10:56:50 GMT -5
Now that one was good ! ROTFLOL!!!
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Kat
New Member
Posts: 5
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Jokes
Jun 7, 2005 19:03:01 GMT -5
Post by Kat on Jun 7, 2005 19:03:01 GMT -5
Margaret loved her grandfather so much and knowing he had only a few more years to live decided to buy him a pet to keep him company. At the pet shop she was taken by a beautiful yellow parrot. When she approached the shopowner, she demurred when he said it cost $1250. "It's a very special parrot," said the owner. "It will talk to your grandfather for hours on end." She was finally persuaded and arranged for the bird to be delivered to her grandfather's house. A few days later, she rang him to ask how he liked the bird. "Oh, thank you, dear," said Grandfather. "It was delicious".
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2005 16:50:22 GMT -5
Post by jwf on Jul 11, 2005 16:50:22 GMT -5
Sweet Lil' Ol' Lady > > A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,Doctor I have this > problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too > much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of > fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in > your office.You didn't know I was farting because they don't > smell and are silent. The doctor says, > I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next > week. The next week the lady returns. > Doctor, she says,I don't know what the hell > you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink > terribly. the doctor said. > Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your > hearing. Blue Skies...............John
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2005 21:03:06 GMT -5
Post by Ed on Jul 11, 2005 21:03:06 GMT -5
ah........a guy had a parrot that knew a lot of cuss words and used them frequently. The guy couldn't get the parrot to stop cussing. One day the preacher came to visit and the parrot let out a long string of cuss words. After the preacher left the guy said, "that's it" and he put the parrot in the freezer and closed the door. After four hours the guy took the parrot out. For a week the parrot sat on it's perch and said nothing. The guy finally approached the parrot and said, well I guess that cured you of cussing....don't you have anything to say. The parrot looked at the guy and said, yeah, I want to know what that turkey did? Ed
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2005 0:33:47 GMT -5
Post by Lisa on Jul 12, 2005 0:33:47 GMT -5
No offense to my blonde friends. My 85 yr. old Grandmother loves a good blonde joke.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone loves a good Yo Mama joke.... especially my son.
Yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips.
Yo mama so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As my gal pals already know......I've got to throw in my cannibal jokes.
All time favorite: Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this meat taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals were sitting beside the fire after a delicious meal. One turned to the other and said, "Your wife sure makes a good roast." "Yeah, I'm really going to miss her."
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?
Two cannibals decided to share dinner. One started at the head while the other started at the feet. A while later, one asked the other "how ya doing?" The other replied "I'm having a ball."
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2005 8:19:01 GMT -5
Post by Ed on Jul 12, 2005 8:19:01 GMT -5
ah........an old man was sitting on a park bench crying. A concerned young man walked up.
Young man asked what is wrong? Old man just kept crying.
Young man ask "are you homeless? Old man replied , no I own a beautiful 20,000 sq ft home.
Young man asked " did a friend or family member die?" Old man said, no.
Young man asked "do you live alone and are lonely?" Old man said "no, I am married to a 22 year old beautiful nymphomaniac who takes care of the house, cooks, and sees to my every need and wish."
Young man asked, "if you have all this, then why are you sitting here alone on a park bench crying?" Old man replied, "because I forgot where I live."
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Jokes
Jul 21, 2005 9:43:04 GMT -5
Post by Lorianne on Jul 21, 2005 9:43:04 GMT -5
Teeheehee....that was excellent!
Heres some cute ones about kids:
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.... "They use the dogs to help them find the fire hydrant."
;D
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Jokes
Aug 5, 2005 13:33:13 GMT -5
Post by Patti on Aug 5, 2005 13:33:13 GMT -5
Bubba and Earl (anyone remember Lewis Grizzard?)
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys,ya'll been drinkin'?" "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's on the patch."
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Jokes
Aug 5, 2005 14:50:13 GMT -5
Post by Ed on Aug 5, 2005 14:50:13 GMT -5
ah.........and that dawg would biiiite you.///////////////////////////////////////////////
Lewis had been married and divorced three times. A reporter asked him if he was ever going to get married again. He answered, "NO, I'm just going to find a woman I hate and buy her a house." Ed
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Jokes
Aug 5, 2005 18:16:20 GMT -5
Post by Patti on Aug 5, 2005 18:16:20 GMT -5
Ahhhhhh, Ed.........you remember him, and that was such a good one of his! Such a great guy, I have many of his books and still quote him frequently. I remember how he always said "nekked" for nakid, among other amusing things.... Don't bend over in the garden, Granny....you know them taters got eyes. (A book title, I think) Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. Life is like a sleddog team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind. When My Love Returns From The Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care....one of his books. But I still say his Bubba and Earl jokes were the best!
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JLR
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2005 14:50:27 GMT -5
Post by JLR on Aug 15, 2005 14:50:27 GMT -5
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Jokes
Aug 17, 2005 8:30:32 GMT -5
Post by Patti on Aug 17, 2005 8:30:32 GMT -5
This comes to us compliments of Char, and could actually fit into the "You Might Be a Morgie If...." category, simply because I imagine it's how most of us live our lives right now. Funny reading! Romantic Weekend KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine. "Oh, for Jiminy Cricket," Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. "Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me." She added: "I was planning to weed my flower bed and maybe scrub out the back sink, which is just covered in muck, but now the whole weekend's shot." The Schumachers said the unbearable ordeal began at check-in, when the reservations clerk handed the couple their keys, winked, and said, "Enjoy your stay." From that moment forth, virtually everything that occurred during the weekend induced cringes and winces from the aging pair. "I love Edna, and I enjoy spending time with her," Duane, 58, said. "But when you're at that place, wherever you go, you know that the staff thinks you're either just coming from, or on your way to, having sex. I don't care for that kind of attention." Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Schumachers realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Duane said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux. The retiree, whose nighttime routine includes a shower at approximately 8 p.m., said that when he saw the heart-shaped hot tub in the center of the room, his first thought was, "How am I going to take a shower in that?" According to Edna, a complimentary gift basket on the dresser contained flowers, Godiva chocolates, passion-fruit bubble bath, body oil, condoms, and "several battery-operated 'marital aids' that I don't care to describe." "The chocolates were good," she said. "But they were the only thing we had to eat. Was that the hotel's idea of a proper supper?" Edna, who privately told her daughter that she has been haunted by the image of her husband's posterior ever since she saw him emerge from the hot tub Friday evening, said, "There was an Inspector Lynley on Channel 13 that I was hoping to catch Friday night." As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony. "I could hardly sleep, which kept Edna awake, too," Duane said. "And that waterbed made Edna so seasick, I had to get up and make a 1 a.m. trip to Walgreens to get Dramamine." On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that FantasyLand Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Duane to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!" "It was even worse in the breakfast dining room," Edna said. "There we were, surrounded by young couples who were all over each other, and Duane is barking at me about 'What kind of a hotel doesn't have Total?'" That night, the Schumachers suffered through a moonlight cruise on Lake Michigan, complete with violin accompaniment. During the cruise, which lasted for several hours, Duane said he had no way to return to shore to access the overnight bag containing his foot medication. Additionally, the couple missed their normal evening newscast. On Sunday morning, the couple checked out and spent the rest of the day at a local Motel 6. "We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Duane said. www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4132&n=3
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Jokes
Aug 17, 2005 10:07:36 GMT -5
Post by TonyM on Aug 17, 2005 10:07:36 GMT -5
Patti, Wow, I'm origionally from Milwaukee, WI ;D ....that was pretty cool story, funny too!!....Soooo true though LOL TonyM
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dave
New Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Aug 18, 2005 12:27:14 GMT -5
Post by dave on Aug 18, 2005 12:27:14 GMT -5
a man wanted to get his wife something specal for christmas and as us men seem to do he waited untill the day befor christmas so most everything was sold out so he decided to get her a pet. at the pet shop there was a pearot that the shop owner said would be the ideal gift for her because it sings. but in order to get it to sing you have to hold a lite match under each foot one at a time. so the shop owner demistrated how the bird named chet would sing he held a match under chets left foot and he sang silent night all the way through. wow said the man and the shope owner held another match under chets right foot and chet sang jingle bells all the way through. the man so plesed that he bought chett and took him home to his wife. on christmas morning he gave chet to his wife and told her about chets singing abillities and he got some matches and held one under chets left foot and chet sang silent night he then placed the match under chets right foot and chet sang jingle bells his wife was very pleased with chet. now the man got an idea and said i wounder what will happen if i place the match between chets leegs so he did and chet sang chets nuts rosting on an open fire
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