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Jokes
Aug 18, 2005 14:28:07 GMT -5
Post by Ed on Aug 18, 2005 14:28:07 GMT -5
ah.......Johnny was the five year son of a minister and a loving mother. One day a construction crew started building a house on the lot next to where Johnny lived. He was curious as 5 year old boys are and he would go over while the men were working and his dad would go get him and bring him home. On day the foreman of the work crew as Johnny's dad to let Johnny come over and "help" sometime. He would let him go fetch nails and pile up scrap wood. For this he would give Johnny a weekly paycheck just like the men and Johnnny would learn some responsibility, self discipline and could start a bank account. The father agreed. Johnny worked several weeks and got a $5.00 weekly pay check. But then school started and Johnny was to start kindergarden this year. On the first day of school Johnny's mother and father went with him to school. They went to his classroom and went in. There were his teacher, the other 14 kids in his new class and all their parents. The teacher had all the parents introduce themselves and then asked each child to tell what they had done during the summer. When it was Johnny's turn the said, "I got a job with a construction crew and helped build a house and got a paycheck just like the men." The teacher thought that was really good and asked if the house was finished. Johnny said, "No, not yet." The teacher then asked, "Well, when will it be finished?" Johnny answered in a loud voice, "AS SOON AS THE LAZY A%^#% bas$^#&* DOWN AT HOME DEPOT GET OFF THEIR FAT A@#%^ AND DELIVER THE F#^&ING WALL BOARD!"................ah........Johnny learned a lot. Ed
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Jokes
Aug 19, 2005 9:38:28 GMT -5
Post by Patti on Aug 19, 2005 9:38:28 GMT -5
New Version of Birds & Bees Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway......
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2005 20:30:02 GMT -5
Post by Lisa on Aug 20, 2005 20:30:02 GMT -5
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a good wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
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dave
New Member
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2005 12:51:10 GMT -5
Post by dave on Aug 23, 2005 12:51:10 GMT -5
roflmao
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Jokes
Aug 25, 2005 11:59:42 GMT -5
Post by ANTHILL on Aug 25, 2005 11:59:42 GMT -5
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Answer
Repeat.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repeat.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repeat...
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2005 16:17:44 GMT -5
Post by Repeat on Aug 28, 2005 16:17:44 GMT -5
SOCIAL SECURITY....... A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2005 8:47:05 GMT -5
Post by ziggy on Sept 18, 2005 8:47:05 GMT -5
My wife gave me this and I didn't know whether to be mad or act unaffected. But actually I laughed so hard I couldn't control it. Enjoy.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00
-- But you know the job was done right --
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lisa
New Member
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2005 9:36:12 GMT -5
Post by lisa on Oct 13, 2005 9:36:12 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, "Hey matey, do you realize you've got a steering wheel in your pants there?"
Pirate says, "Arr... it's drivin' me nuts."
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lisa
New Member
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2005 9:44:49 GMT -5
Post by lisa on Oct 13, 2005 9:44:49 GMT -5
Well dang it. It changed the last word.....not even a bad one at that. Let's see if this works. One more time!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, "Hey matey, do you realize you've got a steering wheel in your pants there?"
Pirate says, "Arr... it's drivin' me n*u*t*s."
Stay away from those pecans, walnuts and almonds now, ya hear? Geesh, what happens if I say balls? Testicles? Gonads?
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Jokes
Oct 23, 2005 10:54:55 GMT -5
Post by Patti on Oct 23, 2005 10:54:55 GMT -5
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God.........but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
.........and the congregation said, "Amen."
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guest
New Member
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Jokes
Nov 4, 2005 7:07:11 GMT -5
Post by guest on Nov 4, 2005 7:07:11 GMT -5
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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Jokes
Nov 5, 2005 1:49:02 GMT -5
Post by Mari on Nov 5, 2005 1:49:02 GMT -5
A Senior Moment An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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